Wednesday, December 28, 2005

100 Days of Justice League Prelude: Legends #3

Legends #3
Story: “Send for…the Suicide Squad!”
Plotter: John Ostrander
Scripter: Len Wein
Penciller: John Byrne
Inker: Karl Kesel
Letterer: Steve Haynie
Colorist: Tom Ziuko
Editor: Mike Gold

Scene: An unruly mob has gathered outside Titans Tower.

Unruly mob: Grrr. We hate superheroes.


Sarge Steel: Now I know how Louis XVI felt when those frogs stormed the Bastille. Well, let them eat cake!

Changeling: Didn’t Marie Antoinette say that?

Flash: Why are you here, Steel?

Sarge Steel: DC needed to extend my copyright. Also, President Reagan said I could do us all a favor and shoot you if I want.

Flash: Damn, where’d I put my steel pipe?

Changeling: If you’re going to shoot someone, shoot Godfrey and instantly turn this into a three-issue mini-series.

Flash: The Constitution says my right to fight crime supercedes Godfrey’s right to free speech. C’mon. Let’s go see if Starfire has found that peephole I drilled in the wall.

Changeling: I'm a lion for no reason.

Sarge Steel: (brandishing a pistol and looking at his reflection in the window) Go ahead. Make my day. You handsome devil...

Next scene: A top secret military bunker that may or may not be in South Dakota. I’m just sayin’…

Captain Boomerang: I use slang and bad grammar so that the readers know I’m actually Australian.

Amanda Waller: I’m a big black woman and I don’t take no guff.

Blockbuster: I stole my pants from the Hulk at the last DC/Marvel inter-company softball tournament.

Colonel Rick Flag, Bronze Tiger, and Deadshot (entering the room to the Thin Lizzy song “The Boys Are Back in Town”): Man, we’re studs.


Captain Boomerang: Blah blah blah. I like to hear myself talk.

Waller puts an explosive bracelet on Boomerang.

Captain Boomerang: Blimey!

Waller: Shut it. It was that or a genital cuff.

Captain Boomerang finally shuts up.

Waller: Even though Brimstone has been going on and on about how he’s going to kick our asses, he decided to walk from New York City to Mount Rushmore.

Brimstone: (standing atop Mount Rushmore) I’m king of the woooorld!

Next scene: Some alley…

Billy Batson: Man, I’m lame.

Some girl named Lisa: I’m lost. Wanna hang out.

Batson: Whatever.

Next scene: Mount Rushmore.

Flag: There’s our quarry dead ahead. Any last questions?

Captain Boomerang: (looking up at the mountain) Yeah, tell me again. Which one of those guys is Nixon?

Brimstone: Raar. I’m Brimstone and I’m gonna kick your asses.

Deadshot: Let me get this straight. Even though Firestorm, Cosmic Boy, and Vibe all blasted him unsuccessfully, I’m supposed to shoot him with this teeny laser gun.

Flag: I will now spout some totally bogus scientific mumbo jumbo to explain why it will work.

Deadshot: Huh. This coming from a guy who wears his dress uniform into the field.

Blockbuster rips George Washington’s head off of Rushmore and chucks it at Brimstone.

Captain Boomerang: Even though it won’t do any good at all, I’m going to throw a boomerang at Brimstone. Man, I’m lame.

Brimstone: Raar. I’m gonna kick your asses.

He blasts the Enchantress and Bronze Tiger.

Enchantress: Finally – my moment to shine! Uh, abracadabra!

Nothing happens.

Enchantress: Hocus pocus!

Still nothing happens.

Enchantress: Alakazam!

Still nothing.

Enchantress: Man, I’m lame.

Bronze Tiger: Try wiggling your nose like on Bewitched.

Next scene: Bruce Wayne grimly stares out of Jason Todd’s hospital window…brooding…ever brooding.

Wayne: It’s getting worse out there.

Todd:…(awkward silence)

Wayne: The streets are aflame.

Todd: …(more awkward silence)

Wayne: And we’re supposed to just stand here doing nothing.

Todd: Got a mouse in your pocket? You’re the only one that’s standing. I have a broken leg thanks to you.

Wayne: Aw, c’mon! I had perfume in my eyes! I couldn’t see a thing. Really! What was I supposed to do?

Todd: Sometimes I just don’t think you care any more.

Wayne: Don’t be ridiculous! You know I love you, baby!

Todd: It wouldn’t hurt you to say it once in a while.

Wayne: I’ll tell you what. When you get out of here, I’ll take you out to the nicest dinner you ever had. We’ll make a night of it!

Todd: Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese’s?

Next scene: Back at Mount Rushmore.

Flag: Oh, I forgot to mention -- that laser rifle is only good for one shot.

Deadshot: One shot?

Flag: Yep.

Deadshot: Who designs a laser rifle to kill a monster that defeated the Justice League and makes it good for only one shot?

Flag: I think his name is Stein.

Deadshot: Just keep Blockbuster lobbing presidents at that thing until I can get in position.

Brimstone: (Picking up Blockbuster) Raar. I’m gonna kick your asses.

Blockbuster: Raar?

Captain Boomerang: Strewth! He fried the poor cobber!

Flag: What?

Deadshot: I’ve got him in my sights, but the gun won’t shoot.

Flag: What?!

Deadshot: Heh. Just kidding.

Laser rifle: Spweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Brimstone: Fwoomf!

Bronze Tiger: Enchantress, you have to save me from that fireball heading right for us. Man, I’m lame.

Enchantress: A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches!

A snowstorm spontaneously appears.

Enchantress: (turning towards the Bronze Tiger) Mwahaha. Now I will deal with you.

Bronze Tiger: Yoink!

Bronze Tiger performs the Vulcan Death Grip on the Enchantress.

Bronze Tiger: I’d say all the magic pushed her over to the dark side except she did jack shit.

Next scene: President Reagan and Superman are walking in the White House Rose Garden.

Reagan: Even though it’s obvious that G. Gordon Godfrey has an agenda and is whipping the American public into a frenzy, and even though it’s common sense that superheroes are the good guys, I’m going to order all superheroes to cease their public activities. What do you think?

Superman: I’m sure everything will work out fine, sir. Up, up, and awaaaaaaay!

Reagan: What a kiss-ass.

Next scene: Billy Batson sits with Lisa Sutton and her family at their dining room table.

Batson: How’d we get here?

Lisa: Mom and Dad found us trying to trade that hobo a bunch of aluminum cans for that Spam, remember?

Batson: Oh, yeah. Man, I love Spam.

Godfrey: (on the television) Grrr. I hate superheroes.

Lisa: What an asshole!

Mr. Sutton: Young lady, shut it. That man is performing a service. To demonstrate my outrage, I will now cast this Superman action figure into that roaring fire.

Lisa: Why is there a fire in the fireplace? It’s 80 degrees outside.

Batson: The burning! The burning! Man, I’m lame.

Next scene: The Phantom Stranger and Darkseid debate whether Darkseid can turn children against their heroes.

Phantom Stranger: Can not.

Darkseid: Can, too.

Phantom Stranger: Can not.

Darkseid: Can, too.

Phantom Stranger: Can not.

Darkseid: Can, too infinity.

Phantom Stranger: Damn!

Darkseid: Of course, it’ll all be mute once they’re eaten by my Warhounds.

Phantom Stranger: You mean "moot."

Darkseid: What?

Phantom Stranger: It's "moot," not "mute."

Darkseid: Whatever.

Next issue: “Cry Havoc…!”

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Anonymous daniel apodaca said...

I'm gonna have to agree, and say that this review format doesn't really do it for me.

12/29/2005 05:22:00 AM  
Blogger Christopher Burton said...

That's cool. As I replied to a previous commenter, I didn't make it clear (hindsight is 20/20) that I'm using comedy (well, I think its funny anyway) on the "serious" comic and "serious" (perhaps I'm better at that) on the comedy comic. Once I get into the JL issues proper, it'll be a fairly traditional approach. I was just trying something different with Legends. Not a true review, per se. More like the stuff that Gail Simone used to do in her You'll All Be Sorry column at CBR.

12/29/2005 08:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Giffen said...

I just realized what you're trying to accomplish here.

WAY too much time on your hands. Might I suggest Half-Life 2 for X-Box?

I find it helps if you pretend the muties are editors.

Anyway... Good luck.


12/29/2005 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger Christopher Burton said...

Oo, I think I just keep confusing matters. To remove all doubt, I'll just come out and say it: I will be writing straight, traditional reviews of the Justice League issues themselves. I won't be "re-writing" them in a serious manner. These Legends issues are just a lark.

There. Now where's that X-Box? Damn muties.

12/29/2005 11:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a bit tired of Brimstone, and Godfrey saying the same thing over and over, and everyone saying man I'm lame but I liked Reagan's jelly bean scene and thet Phantom Stranger and Darkseid bickering. At least Brimstone's about to die!!!

12/30/2005 12:52:00 PM  
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