Tuesday, December 27, 2005

100 Days of Justice League Prelude: Legends #2

Legends #2
Story: “Breach of Faith”
Plotter: John Ostrander
Scripter: Len Wein
Penciller: John Byrne
Inker: Karl Kesel
Letterer: Steve Haynie
Colorist: Tom Ziuko
Editor: Mike Gold

Narrator: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Tate: I’m Gwyneth Tate with WHIZ-TV news and, for some reason, the police are not preventing me from standing mere feet from the charred, icky remains of Macro-Man, who was murdered by Captain Marvel. I could even walk up and touch it if I wanted. With me is superherologist G. Gordon Godfrey whom we must now believe unquestioningly.

Godfrey: Grrr. I hate superheroes.

Tate: I’m so winning a Peabody.

Some dude watching TV: (as if hypnotized) Godfrey is riiight. Superheroes baaad. Haaail Darkseiiid.

Small child: Even though I’m, like, four and wouldn’t know a “heroic ideal” if it came up and smacked me in the head, I believe Godfrey is full of shit.

Bystanders: Godfrey is riiight. Superheroes are crumbuuums.

Billy Batson: Crumbums? Really? That’s your insult? Oh, no! I feel a flashback coming on! Must…resist…the agony!

Narrator: Captain Marvel thought that by changing back to Billy Batson, he could escape Macro-Man’s grip, even though Macro-Man could’ve totally gripped tighter, thereby crushing Batson to death. Whatever. Macro-Man gets seemingly fried by the lightning bolt.

Batson: Man, I’m lame.

Next scene: Apokolips -- home of the Hungry Dog Special: fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and a big slab of homemade pain!

Darkseid: Man, I’m evil. Mwahaha.

Granny Goodness: Bend over, mighty Darkseid, so that I can kiss your rocky ass.

DeSaad: FedEx delivery, master! The animate that you ordered has arrived.

The android takes the form of a screaming Doctor Bedlam.

Darkseid: I will now explain what really happened in the battle between Captain Marvel and Macro-Man. Macro-Man was basically Bedlam in disguise. Clever, huh?

DeSaad, Darkseid, and Granny Goodness: (in unison) We are amused by Bedlam’s trauma.

Darkseid: Phase one of my obvious plan is complete. Mwahaha.

Phantom Stranger: You’re an asshole, Darkseid.

Darkseid: Where’d you come from?

Phantom Stranger: Behind the curtains.

Darkseid: Let’s now have a philosophical debate. Mwaha.

Next scene: The city.

Brimstone: Raar. I’m Brimstone and I’m gonna kick your asses.

Martian Manhunter: I’m the Martian Manhunter and I’m going to forget my greatest weakness -- fire! -- and unthinkingly attack you.

Elongated Man: Martian Manhunter, let me remind you of your greatest weakness -- fire!

Martian Manhunter: Holy shit. He’s right. I almost became the Martian Hamburger.

Vibe: Amigo, you are hot, hot, hot! I will announce what I’m going to do as I do it. I will cause an earth tremor. An earth tremor of…passion!

Brimstone: Raar. I’m gonna kick your asses.

Martian Manhunter: He’s knocking that building on me and the useless members of the Justice League.

Elongated Man, Gypsy, Vixen, Steel, Firestorm: (in unison) Why are we here?

Firestorm: We’re being buried alive. Man, we’re lame.

Brimstone: Mwahaha.

Next scene: Riker’s Island Prison

Colonel Rick Flag: Deadshot’s real name is Floyd? Are you from Mayberry?

Deadshot: I have girlie pictures on the wall and I’m smoking a cigarette. I’m a cocky bastard.

Flag: If you take an impossibly difficult mission and complete it without dying, you can go free.

Deadshot: The unprotected sex and cigarettes are going to kill me anyway. Sure, I’m in.

Next scene: Gotham City’s newest mall

Armed robber #1: I love you, pumpkin.

Armed robber #2: I love you, too, honey bunny. All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!

Armed robber #1: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you!

Batman:You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Robin: Child endangerment is fun!

Police Captain Kirkland: Everybody put your hands in the air like you don’t care! Hey, it’s Batman. I didn’t expect to see him. At an armed robbery. In Gotham City.

Batman: Man, you’re lame.

Kirkland: Why, I oughta! The police had everything under control and Batman endangered innocent lives.

Commissioner James Gordon: Even though that’s absolutely true and Batman should be arrested, tried, convicted and imprisoned -- shut it, Kirkland.

Bystanders: Grrr. We hate superheroes.

Batman: I’ve been hit by a bottle of…perfume? Aagh, my eyes. (Dancing up and down and waving his hands) They’re sting-y!

Gordon: Even though Robin will be torn apart by that unruly mob, we must get you out of here. Must protect you from the perfume.

Batman: Man, I’m lame.

Next scene: A stereotypically windy Chicago street

Wheeler the Drug Dealer: What’ll it be? Ganja? Blow? Crank? X? Hash? Goofballs? Ludes? Acid? Shrooms? Huff?

Blue Beetle: I was on drugs when I came up with my costume.

Wheeler: Speed? Flatliners? Trip? Uppers? Boppers? Potato Chips? Goop? Gum? Roofies? Apache?

Cop: Everybody put your hands in the air like you don’t care!

Wheeler: Bolt? Comeback? Buttons? Fizzies? Tweeker? Speedball? Morf? Bromo? Karachi? Spike?

Cop: We’ve been trying to get this guy’s connection.

Wheeler: The Blue Beetle is my connection. Look at that costume. He has to be on drugs.

Blue Beetle: Even though the cops are highly trained marksmen, I’m going to run away like a little girl and hope that I don’t get shot. Man, I’m lame.

Next scene: Even though flying in a plane is statistically way safer than driving a car, we have yet another plane about to crash.

Guy Gardner: Man, I’m great.

Airplane: KWA-VOOMP!

Gardner: That plane’s about to crash. Bitchin’! I’ll use my power ring to protect myself from the fragments that are filling the air like shrapnel. Or. Wait. Aren’t fragments and shrapnel the same thing? (Repeats) Fragments that are filling the air like shrapnel. Uh. The shrapnel is filling the air like fragments! No. Shrapnel is filling the air? Shrapnel is filling the air. Yeah, that’s it. Shrapnel is filling the air.

Yellow shrapnel: THNNGG!!

Gardner: Even though that piece of yellow shrapnel should be imbedded in my brain, I am saved by the power of my bowl cut and am merely losing consciousness. Furthermore, yellow shrapnel?

Unlike the reader, Gardner remains conscious and sets the plane down in the middle of the freeway.

Gardner: Man, I’m great.

Bystanders: Grrr. We hate superheroes.

Narrator: Thus, the poison grows. Uh. Wait. Grows? The poison grows? Can poison grow? No. Uh. Spreads. Spreads? The poison spreads? The poison spreads! Thus, the poison spreads!

Next scene: Cosmic Boy wakes up in the Titans Tower infirmary. Changeling and Flash quickly look like they’re doing something else.

Cosmic Boy: Why is my fly undone?

Flash: I…I don’t…know?

Changeling: (blurts) I can’t change into a gerbil!

Cosmic Boy: I need to go find my girl. Probably in my own four-issue mini-series.

Professor Ivo: Professor’s Ivo’s television gets excellent reception. Furthermore, I will crush my enemies. Mwahaha.

Flash: Where’d you come from?

Professor Ivo: Behind the curtains.

Next scene: Superman is visiting President Ronald Reagan in the pristine halls of the White House. The President is watching the rioting on several TVs.

Reagan: Well, this is certainly a mess, now, isn’t it?

Superman: Superheroes aren’t responsible for this madness. It’s Godfrey’s fault, Mr. President.

Reagan: No, I mean somebody’s gotten their fingerprints all over my TV screen. The American taxpayers demand that the headquarters of the Executive Branch of government be pristine!

Superman: Uh, what about the rioting?

Reagan: Oh, yeah. Executive order. No superheroes. Jelly bean?

Next scene: Back at the Gotham City mall, two of Gotham’s finest are cleaning up what’s left of Robin.

Cop: I’ll take his hands, you take his feet.

Next issue: “Send for – the Suicide Squad!”

Read More


Blogger Pól Rua said...

Wheeler the Drug Dealer: What’ll it be? Ganja? Blow? Crank? X? Hash? Goofballs? Ludes? Acid? Shrooms? Huff? ... Speed? Flatliners? Trip? Uppers? Boppers? Potato Chips? Goop? Gum? Roofies? Apache? ... Bolt? Comeback? Buttons? Fizzies? Tweeker? Speedball? Morf? Bromo? Karachi? Spike?

Here's a game you can play at home.
Pick which of these are actual drugs, and which are the names of rejected characters from Byrne's 'Next-Men' and 'Danger Unlimited' series!

12/27/2005 11:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Some crank said...

While an issue-by-issue review of the Giffen-era JL is something I'd stop by and check out now and again, the format you're using really turns me off (I say as honest and, I hope, helpful feedback). I read as much of the Legends 1 thing as I could stomach, and just skimmed this one to confirm that, yep, same thing.

I don't want to read a long tongue-in-cheek rewrite of tongue-in-cheek comics (well, Legends ain't, but the upcoming JL issues are). I'd rather see a concise review of the issue and what makes it a good or bad example of the creators' style and skill (with a page scan or two when applicable).

Of course, I could be in the minority, and you can write whatever you want, and I can go to hell. But if you're taking votes (and hey, the comments function IS turned on), I'd prefer the conciseness, with these "rewrite" gags of yours concentrated: The funniest of them at the most opportune time. Fine readin', that would be.

Thanks. Good luck with this project

12/28/2005 07:40:00 PM  
Blogger Christopher Burton said...

I appreciate the feedback.I didn't really make clear my intent, so that has probably lead to some confusion. Ironically, I'll be taking a serious approach to the Justice League issues themselves. Since Giffen and DeMatteis' Justice League was introduced in Legends, I wondered what it might have been like had that series been tongue-in-cheek as well. Of course, the Internet allows for content that we'd likely never see in a DC comic although in this era of Identity Crisis, I could be wrong. At any rate, it sounds like this approach isn't you're bag, but I think you'll find we're on the same page with the Justice League issues themselves. Hope you'll check them out come January 1.

12/29/2005 03:14:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home