Thursday, September 22, 2005

What I bought - 21 September 2005¹

As a homage to the greatest comic book in the known universe (even though I didn't buy it), today's installment of "What I bought" will be written in the style of said comic book. So why waste time?

Dr. Blink, Superhero Shrink #2 by John Kovalic and Christopher Jones
$3.49, Dork Storm Press

Heh. These boys, they get it. Wonder Boy #5? Or is it #8? They. Get. It. Wonder Boy. Stupid mascot. Stupid. Nocturne used them up and spat them out. Spit. Bunch o' retards. This guy, this Jimmy Hogan. What a dick. Serves him right that he's washed up. Can't get girls. Nocturne got girls. Funny. Fun. Ny.

Dr. Blink. Jealous of someone else's success. Probably should kill him. Instead, rants. GodDAMN. Pussy.

Musn't let anyone see how clever I think this book is. Musn't. Hardcore, that's me. Kill my landlord, kill my landlord. But goddamn - this is funny. Bit pricey.

Girls #5 by Jonathan and Joshua Luna
$2.99, Image

Stupid pre-ordering. Would have stopped getting this except for that. Would have punched a hole right in that stupid comic book shoppe nerd's face because he still ordered it for me even though the first four issues sucked. Goddamn. Stupid retarded nerd.

Lots of talking in this issue. Lots. Explanations. Kind of stupid. Last page. What. The. Fuck?

Naked chicks. Lots. Listen, Luna Bros. When all your characters are retarded jerks, naked chicks don't pick up the slack. All. Of. Them. Are. Retards.

The naked chicks should punch holes in all the women. Put them out of their misery.

Gødland #3 by Joe Casey and Tom Scioli
$2.99, Image

The. Shit. Aliens, weird villains, heroic heroes, nasty bad girls. Enough pseudo-science to make it buzz, not enough to overwhelm. Kirby-esque, still. Who cares? Packed. Packed. Packed with information. Enough. Enough to satisfy even the goddamn retards. Yeah, you. And you. Buy it, retards! Buy. It!

(Why am I talking to the readers like this? This is wrong. They should buy this book because of its excellent art, its wild story, its cool villains and deathtraps and everything that makes comics great. Why? Comics publishing is a war. This book deserves to be a player in that war. So I should convince them using reason. Yes, reason.)

Buy it, retards!

The Goon #14 by Eric Powell and friends
$2.99, Dark Horse

In the letters column, there's a picture of a female reader eating hot wings off a plate balanced on the butt of a stripper while another stripper places her boobs right next to the reader's face (not on them, next to them).

What are you still doing here? Go buy it! Sheesh.

Seven Soldiers: Mister Miracle #1 by That Guy and Pasqual Ferry
$2.99, DC

Yeah, right. Heh. Like I'd read this. Pussy Brit and his pussy artist friend. What artsy-fartsy shit is he coming up with today:

"Pythagoras Jones and his Rubicon Cube crossed the threshold into the 45th Dimension, where girls ride Big Wheels upside down and each dog holds a doctorate. PJ plugged himself into the Cube, which hardwired his brain so that he could think like Apollonius of Tyana and run like a centaur. He chewed thoughtfully on a bezoar while madmen danced the polka on their hands in front of him. Suddenly he knew: the Second Secret of the Grassy Knoll, which was that the real target was Jackie, who had fucked the Dung Beetle God on an altar of dried tobacco leaves just the night before."

It's all crap, retards. Put it down and pick up something manly. Don't be such babies. Grow some 'nads.

Supreme Power: Hyperion #1 by J. Michael Straczynski, Dan Jurgens, and Klaus Janson
$2.99, Marvel/MAX

The government is scared of Hyperion. So they draft soldiers. Soldiers. In this war. To fight. Fight.

Goddamn. Lots of talking in this one. Stupid retards. Someone in this book needs a bitch-slapping, and it ain't Hyperion. Smart guy could use one. Bitch who can manipulate reality could use one. Quick your blubbering, radiation boy! The team assembled, they go off to fight Mark Milton. Boy scout. Tool. Angry tool. Wants to get revenge on those who wronged him. Revenge is like sex. Law of the jungle. Kill or ... you know.

Five issues. Wait for the trade. Just like the rest of the series. Slow.

And remember, for those who want to criticize my choices:

I'm the goddamn Greg Burgas!²

¹ No, I'm not going to talk about how groovy the 1990s were. I started collecting comics in 1988, so most of my comics are from the Nineties, so of course I think they're cool! And not just the high-brow crap either, and not the kitschy crap like SuperPro (which I've never read, so Bill doesn't have to get on my case - although I did enjoy Sleepwalker for a while). I'm talking MacFarlane's Spider-Man - admit it, you bought it, sheep! - and the "X-Tinction Agenda" and "Knightfall" - all the biggies! I bought 'em all. Excoriate me later. That's right, I used "excoriate" correctly in a sentence!
² I'm ripping off Shane Bailey with that statement, as he coined it in the comments to this post. I loved it. We should all refer to each other like that from now on.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Marionette said...

I'm talking MacFarlane's Spider-Man - admit it, you bought it

My memory of MacFarlane's Spider-Man is flicking through it in Forbidden Planet with Neil Gaiman and shaking our heads at how pathetic it was.

And please, never ever review comics in this style again. It's almost as annoying as the original.

9/23/2005 03:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

"I'm the goddamn Greg Burgas!"

Your writing is still way too coherent to be the goddamn Batman's.

9/23/2005 05:20:00 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

Fret not, Marionette - it's a one-time deal, I swear.

9/23/2005 09:13:00 AM  
Blogger MCF said...

Doom! Doom! Doom! I not only bought that Macfarlane book but stayed with it when it became Larsen's and then when it just became another mainstream title with no gimmick. X-tinction Agenda, Knightfall, Doomsday, Return of Superman, Atlantis Attacks, Evolutionary War, The Crossing, Onslaught--I was a sucker for crossovers back in the day. I even bought one issue of Liefeld's Avengers because it tied in to Lee's FF and Portacio's Iron Man books.

9/25/2005 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Selina Quinzel said...

This entry hurt my head =( What the hell kind of comic book talks like that? Anyway, The Goon #14 is AWESOME, way before you get to the chicken eating strippers!

9/25/2005 09:33:00 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder talks like that, Selina! That's why it's so awesome!

9/26/2005 10:09:00 AM  

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