Webcomics: A Guide and a How-To

So I recently found links to a couple of webcomics, namely Alien Loves Predator and Order of the Stick. The first I found legitimately amusing, if more for the commentary from the artist than the actual strips, and the second just fulfilled some D&D nerd need or something. But after looking at those I started following links to other webcomics of some popularity. This, combined with my memories of Diesel Sweeties, has led me to a conclusion.

All webcomics are shitty. Also, all webcomics are exactly the same. There are certain templates to follow. Because I am awesome I will now show all of you faithful readers (or the person that came here randomly after reading the fascinating Blog of Wonders) How To Make a Webcomic.

Step One: The characters.

You have to have a horny guy. Horny guys are "hilarious." This is because they always want to do sex with girls and yet they never do. This mirrors the situations of webcomic makers and webcomic readers and most guys anywhere. That makes it relatable and funny.

You also have to have a sociopath guy. This is because webcomic people have been beaten down by life for many years and wish they could do something about it. They can't because they are webcomic people, not actual badasses. So they make up the exact same sociopath guy who either wants to kill people or does kill people in the comic. Laffs ensue.

You have to have a "hot girl." More attention will be paid into the drawing of said hot girl than all other characters combined. This hot girl will most likely be perfect in every way. She will have nothing to do with most of the characters because they want to do sex with her and she is unattainable, just like every woman in a webcomic person's life.

You should have some sort of "hilarious" genre character. This can be a robot, a pirate, a ninja, a Frankenstein, or some combination thereof. This is because everyone who reads or makes these things is just as nerdy as real comic fans and, let's face it, we love that shit. My anus tingled when I wrote the second sentence in this paragrah.

You can now fill in the rest of your cast with way too many damn people. Each of them will have one or two stock jokes that you will return to without mercy. None of them will actually be funny more than .75 times, though. Note: it is possible that sociopath guy or horny guy can be one person, or can even be female. Otherwise, though, no changes.

Step two: jokes

What are those? Those are the part at the end of your strip where one of the characters raises a sardonic eyebrow and no one laughs ever.

Step three: art

Art should be simple and easy to reproduce. In fact, the more cutting and pasting possible, the better. Really, if you could draw well you'd be doing something other than making a webcomic.

Step four: pimping

Constantly try to get more readers by begging, cajoling, bribing, and getting your friends to vote for you. Spend more time doing this than honing your "craft" or coming up with ideas that are "funny" or "original."

Step five: go somewhere without computers and never bother the rest of us again.

The end.