What I bought - 15 December 2005

I'm sick. Really. I bought another 13 comic books this week. I need help.

"My name is Greg, and I'm a comics junkie."

"Hi, Greg."

Where the hell do you go for this kind of counseling? Where????

You know what, though? Lots o' good books this week, including a surprise nomination for best single issue of the year (trust me, you'll never guess) and a pseudo-theme that could be the theme of pretty much every comic: what the hell is going on with all the breasts? You'll see. To our vast female readership: please forgive me. This is serious sociological stuff!

Atomika #5 by Andrew Dabb and Sal Abbinanti
$2.99, Mercury Comics

Atomika's quest continues, as we arrive in 1972 and our "hero"(?) goes north to destroy "the eldest of the gods ... the father of us all" - Leshi. He knows that Atomika is going to kill him, but he doesn't care, and he asks to tell a story before Atomika does the deed. He tells a story about gods and men, a cautionary tale about how men outgrew the gods and then created one of their own - Atomika. He tells Atomika that he serves man, not the other way around, and our hero would do well to remember that. Atomika says he understands, but he doesn't really. How can he? He's a god, after all. So he kills Leshi and moves on. But the machinations go on behind his back.

This is still a nice book - the art on this issue is truly spectacular, with plenty of grandiose double-paged spreads. It's awfully late - check out Guy's interesting article about independent comics, Speakeasy in particular, and what's going on with them - but it's not with Speakeasy anymore, so maybe the scheduling problems will get ironed out. I don't know - this is why I leave to people like Guy to tell us about the industry - but I do know that it's neat. Neat book. The trade of the first six issues should be out soon (one presumes after the sixth issue actually hits the stands), so you might want to check it out.

Bad Planet #1 by Thomas Jane, Steve Niles, Lewis Larosa, and Tim Bradstreet
$2.99, Image

Is that the Thomas Jane who is kind of a younger and low-rent Christopher Lambert?

Anyway, this is a pretty cool initial issue. The premise is simple: there's some weird thing that travels through space with something evil inside it. If it arrives on your planet, look out: you're SOL. At the beginning of the book, it's being towed across space by some aliens, but the tow line breaks. 400 years later, and it's heading straight for earth. Astronomers debate about it for some pages. Then it lands and, as the next issue box promises, alien deathspiders come out! (Yes, that's one word.) Would I lie to you?

This is an interesting book, with rough but very nice art. It also begins our pseudo-theme for the week. One of the astronomers - the one who discovered the object, in fact, although she gives credit to her superior, the oh-so-cleverly-named Fred Wertham - is a chesty young woman. She doesn't even get a name - let's call her Ms. Busty. Here's her first appearance:


In case you're not getting the full effect, your eyes are, not surprisingly, drawn to the objects almost directly in the center of the page:


Okay, that's fine - she just happens to be a woman with large breasts who works for an astronomer and wears low-cut sweaters. Larosa and Bradstreet give us more, too:

This time her chest is stretched strangely out. I guess she's shocked because everyone just learned the strange object in space is on a collision course with Earth. That's fine. Later on, however, she's at home watching the news. This is the outfit she chooses to lie around on the sofa in:


Because I'm puerile, let's zoom in:

She's wearing a sweater that is unbuttoned almost to her navel. Do comic book artists ever hang out with women when they're trying to be comfortable? Because they don't dress like this.

Anyway, it's a good book. Creepy and fun. Alien deathspiders, people!

Batman: Gotham County Line #3 by Steve Niles and Scott Hampton
$5.99, DC

The final page of this comic book features Batman flying away with his jet pack on. I'm just saying.

I wanted to like this more than I did. It's an interesting story, and Bruce has to overcome some demons (like he often does) but in an interesting and not necessarily overdone way. He fights without fighting - it's all very Zen.

The problem I had with it is that the first issue and, from what I remember, the solicitations, set this up as something different. Now, I know it's Niles, so I knew we were getting a horror story, but I mentioned this in my review of the first issue - there's so much horror in the suburbs that is untapped in comics, because they usually take place in cities. Batman goes into the suburbs, but this book isn't about "Gotham County" any more than it's about Gotham City. It could easily take place in Gotham City and it would be the same thing. I was hoping for more about what twisted things go on behind the perfectly manicured lawns of Anytown, U.S.A. Like American Beauty, you know. That I didn't get that doesn't invalidate the story, and it's a good enough book, but I felt it could have been much more. Scarier, creepier, more disturbing. Oh well.

And not to make too big a deal of it, but it's 18 dollars for the three issues. Yes, they look nice and they're longer than your average book, but that's a lot of coin.

DMZ #2 by Brian Wood and Riccardo Burchielli
$2.99, DC/Vertigo

Escape From New York continues! In this issue, Adrienne Barbeau takes Kurt Russell around town to show him how things work. Oh, that wacky Ernest Borgnine, flirting with that girl in New Jersey! He's quite the scamp!

Okay, I'll stop with the Escape From New York jokes. I'm sure the editors at DC already made them all to Wood, and they still green-lighted the project anyway. There's a lot that's interesting in this issue. The art is very nice, and although Wood beats us over the head with the kids losing the limbs section, it's pretty quick and doesn't bother me too much. There's really no way to show the horrors of war without making it seem like you're beating us over the head with it. I enjoyed the fact that the denizens of Manhattan have adapted somewhat easily to their situation, and although it's still a lousy way to live, they have to live somehow. Yes, some of them may seem crazy, but how can Matt judge when he hasn't lived with the possibility that he could be killed at any moment? How would any of us react?

I also liked the fact that the networks don't necessarily want his reports because he's only an intern. It's stupid, but then so is bureaucracy.

I'm not sure how long Wood can make this series last (it's an ongoing, right?), but it's off to an intriguing start.

Fables #44 by Bill Willingham, Mark Buckingham, Steve Leialoha, and Andrew Pepoy
$2.75, DC/Vertigo

I actually don't like that cover. James Jean, what have you wrought???

The djinn is loose, and things look bleak for our friends in Fabletown. Ah, but they have a plan - don't they always?

As usual with the one of the best titles out there, I have little to say. It keeps humming along at its excellent level, and Willingham adds some nice depth to Prince Charming's character, references the war in Iraq (although, I'm sorry, would soldiers really allow someone as scantily-clad as the djinn wander away? I'm not saying they would molest her, but wouldn't they question the strangeness of it?), and gives us a nice little twist at the end. It ends abruptly, as usual these days with comic books, but it's still a fun read. The nicest thing about Fables is how it blends the fantastical with the real - well, as real as Fabletown can get. The inhabitants of Fabletown are concerned about things regular folk are concerned about - taxes, political scandal - you know, the fun stuff. Yet at the same time they're worried about Gepetto showing up and killing them all. Interesting dichotomy.

Free Fall #1 by Gianluca Piredda, Eric J, and Jimmy Palmiotti
$3.99, Narwain

Hey, it's another new publisher - well, maybe - it's from Italy, so Narwain could have been around forever for all I know - like I can keep track of Italian publishers! They're bringing out a bunch o' books, too, two of which came out this week (I didn't buy the other one). This is kind of a cool book.

First, of course, the boobs. They hit you right in the eyes when you're wondering if you should buy it. "Buy me ..." they seem to say. "You are hypnotized by my power ..." I mean, we can obscure the face of the girl on the cover with the logo, but certainly not her chest:

Boobs and a gun! What possible symbolism could that be???

This young lady is about to rob a bank, don't you know. Because an unbuttoned sweater (did she just come from Bad Planet?) is perfect bank-robbing attire!!!

I shouldn't pick on the cover too much, because this is a good comic. A bunch of thieves want to rob a bank, but they need a diversion. See that guy on the roof on the cover? Turns out he's a loser who wants to commit suicide. Sean (for that is his name) can't get a job and can't support his wife. Now, his wife, it must be said, is an ex-exotic dancer, so he can't be that big a loser, can he? She is, of course, pregnant, and when she tells him, he decides that a real man would commit suicide. The page in which he leaves his wife (her name's Emily, but you might be staring at her Catholic schoolgirl uniform too much to care) is actually very nicely done - it's a nine-panel grid with the two of them very small in the center and just a gray background. Sean actually gets smaller in each panel. Neat. Anyway, the thieves happen upon him before he can jump off a bridge and offer to give his family a cut of the money if he agrees to jump by the bank when they want to rob it and create a distraction. He agrees - he was going to kill himself anyway, right?

This is a four-issue mini-series (I think it's four), and it promises to be intriguing. I like Eric J's art from his time on Rex Mundi, so I liked seeing it here. Check it out if you can find it.

Hawaiian Dick: The Last Resort #3 by B. Clay Moore and Steven Griffin
$2.99, Image

Gaaakkk! It's an issue of Hawaiian Dick! What the hell????

I suppose I shouldn't be shocked. Issue #2 came out in November 2004, after all. It's not like it's Spider-Man and the Black Cat thing, right?

Anyway, I read it, but I'm not saying anything about it. I mean, if you bought the first two issues, you probably got this, and I won't convince you either way. If you didn't buy the first two, you won't buy this one. I will say this: the earlier mini-series and this one are worth a look. The first one has been collected, and this one will be too, so I would encourage you to find them. When issue #4 comes out I'll do a proper review. Everyone all right with that?

Local #2 by Brian Wood and Ryan Kelly
$2.95, Oni Press

Okay, here's another reason why Greg would never be in a horror movie:

I'm with Megan's co-worker. It's just creepy, this Polaroid swapping with a complete stranger. I have no interest in carrying on this kind of relationship. I also have no interest in seeing what's in the abandoned house at the end of the street. I also have no interest in repeating "Candyman" five times while facing a mirror (my best friend did, though - he's still with us, so Candyman must be a big wuss!). Yes, I'm boring. Poets will not write paeans to my passionate lusting after new experiences. I'm also not going to be eviscerated by a guy wearing other people's skin.

Oh, the book? Well, Megan should know better, shouldn't she? I mean, this is apparently a year after issue #1, when she ditched he lousy boyfriend in Portland and hit the road. Now she's having this weird relationship with this weird-looking dude? It's an interesting story on the surface, but at some point you want to grab Megan and scream, "What the fuck is up with you, chickie? What the fuck????"

Just because I think Megan is acting idiotically doesn't mean I don't like the book. It invokes Minneapolis quite well, and the characters act realistically, if not smartly. Megan is still an idiot, though. Don't come crying to me when gloomy Polaroid guy takes a photo of you with your guts hanging out, Megan!

Noble Causes #15 by Jay Faerber, Fran Bueno, and Freddie E. Williams
$3.50, Image

Oh, sure, Invincible gets the press, the absolute collected edition, the great pull quotes from the comics professionals, but I still say Noble Causes is the best superhero book out there. You wanna make something 'bout it?

The Blackthorne plot continues, and Race finds out that Liz may just be a target. It's all very Shakespearean. Meanwhile, Faerber decides we haven't a lesbian scene in a few issues, so he gives us one. Good job, Jay! Frost steals something for Blackthorne, with Cosmic Rae's help, because the Blackthornes blackmail him. Those dastards! There is a lot of layers to this story, as the plot thickens. Frost and Rae have secrets, Celeste and Dawn Blackthorne have secrets - not the least of which is that they're engaging in a lifestyle that will surely send them to hellfire! - Rusty is getting a new body, and there's a package at the end that gets delivered to the Nobles! What a cliffhanger!

And, because it's been a while, we have a breast alert! Good ol' Zephyr Noble gets a tip that a robbery is going on, so she rushes to stop it, not knowing that Frost is the thief. She flies in heroically!


Why is she saying "Holy Crap!" I submit it's because of those breasts! She can light the whole city with those puppies:

Isn't her costume cloth? It's not metal, right? I understand that the light would reflect a little, but it wouldn't reflect like that off cloth, would it? Would it?

Samurai: Heaven and Earth #5 by Ron Marz and Luke Ross
$2.99, Dark Horse

Oh, Ron Marz. You are pure evil. Your testicles should be dipped in A-1 and you should be thrown to rabid poodles. You are a despicable, rat-bastardy person.

But haven't I been praising Samurai? Isn't it, according to me, one of the best mini-series of the year? Haven't I been gushing over the exquisite art and the fascinating mix of 18th-century Japanese culture with 18th-century European culture? Haven't I been swept away by the rollicking adventure and the heart-breaking romance of it all?

Well, yes. I have. I have been waiting since August for this series to conclude, and I read this with great anticipation. It was cruising along - Shiro reunites with Yoshiko, but has to fight the Musketeers to get out of Versailles, and of course he has to have a confrontation with the Spanish ambassador who set him up in the first place, so he does, and there is bloody swordplay and it's all very nice ... and then Marz gives us a "to be continued"! Bleep bleepin' bleepity-bleep-bleep bleep!

Shit. I may buy the next mini-series, if it ever actually shows up, because Ross now has that high-profile gig at DC on Jonah Hex, and who knows if they'll get a different artist or if Marz will ever write the damned thing. Burn in hell, Marz. You bastard.

Still a good read, by the way. If you don't mind the ending that makes you want to drive knitting needles into your ears and straight through your brain.

Now, the Marvel/mutant section of the reviews:

Uncanny X-Men #467 by Chris Claremont, Chris Bachalo, and a shitload of inkers
$2.50, Marvel

The last time I bought an issue of Uncanny X-Men was in March of 2004. Chuck Austen finally made me break my almost 200-issue run of buying the title. Another thing he has to answer for! However, I was intrigued by this issue, because when I flipped through it, it looked different. Unlike your regular comic book. So I thought, "What the hell," and dropped two dollars and sixteen cents (after my discount) on it.

Wow. This is a candidate for best single issue of the year. I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

Now, it has flaws. Bachalo's art, although clearer than when he drew Steampunk and Ultimate War, is still not back to where it was earlier in his career, when he was excellent. And the host of inkers make the pencils look downright ugly on some pages. Claremont drags out one of his hoary chestnuts - the Shiar Empire wants to exterminate the Phoenix - and fires it up. And the constant descriptions of the Grey clan get a tad annoying.

But.

This is an excellent single issue. I don't know the back story, or what's been going on, but the way Claremont sets the issue up, it doesn't matter. We get a bunch of aliens from the Shiar with funky powers, because everyone who doesn't live on Earth has funky powers, apparently, and they attack a Grey family reunion. With extreme prejudice. People get killed, Rachel calls the X-Men, Kurt manages to teleport Kitty and Betsy to the house before one of the bad guys throws up a force field, and the X-Men fight because they can't evacuate anyone. And they lose.

Yes, they lose. Claremont has never been afraid to show his heroes failing, and they fail big-time here. Maybe next issue they'll win. They don't here. It's a gripping read, because of the sense of urgency. The entire story takes place in 24 seconds. Claremont helpfully counts them down for us, and we actually believe it could take place in that short a time. Nothing happens to has to take longer. The efficiency of the bad guys and the relative ease with which they dispatch the X-Men is excellently done. This is the way a single issue should be done. I doubt I will even pick up the next issue - I don't want to get sucked back in! - but that's okay. If you just want to get this issue, you won't be disappointed.

There's also a breast-related problem. Betsy gets teleported in wearing nothing but a robe. So of course they try to keep her covered for the rest of the issue. This leads to some weird drawings, like this one:

Her right breast is all elongated. It's really bizarre. Then, a few pages later, she loses the robe completely (I know, shocking). Then the drawing gets even stranger:

If that debris is supposed to be hiding her nipple, Betsy really should sue her plastic surgeon - it's hiding the bottom of the breast! Just weird stuff. But Mark Fossen should be happy - it looks like the Focused Totality is back! Didn't we all miss it?

Really. Excellent. Issue. Surprisingly so.

X-Factor #1 by Peter David, Ryan Sook, and Wade von Grawbadger
$2.99, Marvel

David picks up where the Madrox mini-series left off (sort of), and it's a good thing, because that was a good series. See how that works? Those of you who don't like David because he's too self-consciously witty, well, he tones it down quite a bit here - there's a little bit of the repartee, but not annoyingly so. The issue sets up the whole "mutant detective" thing for those who missed the mini-series. Jamie Madrox has decided to be a detective, because being able to split into hundreds of different versions of himself comes in pretty handy in that line of work. He recruits Siryn and Guido, who fail their first assignment, Monet St. Croix, who never actually shows up in this issue (she's on the cover - does that count?), Wolfsbane, who appears to yell at Rictor, who has lost his powers and is on a ledge wondering whether he should jump or not. Jamie sends one of his multiples - the optimistic one - to talk him down. Because it's Peter David, nothing is always what it seems. Things appear to end badly.

This is a cool idea for a series and a good creative team to make it happen. Sook's art is very pretty, and David wrote the best run of the old X-Factor series, so why not get him to do this? He does this kind of thing well - a book that has potential for a lot of twists and a chance for a nice group dynamic, all the while speeding along. David is good at keeping things moving. We'll see how this goes, but I'll be back, at least for a while.

X-Men #179 by Peter Milligan, Salvador Larroca, and Danny Mike with Allen Martinez
$2.50, Marvel

Like that cover? "Featuring: Sentinel Squad O*N*E." Doesn't quite have the ring of "Guest-starring: Captain America!" does it? What a weird way to advertise.

Anyway, Bobby gets his powers back, the creepy chick in the hockey mask does nasty things, blah blah blah. The main story is dull - sentinels come to guard the mansion. Whatever. Last issue we had Phantom Torso, which tied into what Lorna saw in space. This issue we have ... Apocalypse. God I hate Apocalypse. In a one-page interlude, some guy finds him buried in Egypt. We don't actually see him, but come on - it's Apocalypse. Shit. Then we find out who the mysterious dude who took off with Mystique is. Sadly, it's not Fantomex, as one commenter suggested months ago. I don't know who it is, but Mystique wants him to woe Rogue. It's all very medieval. Then Lorna decides to go find out what happened in space, and Alex goes with her. I love how Alex says, very dramatically, "I'm leaving the X-Men." Why do people even say that? Are they like a band, and they now can't make the album because Alex isn't there? Since when is it mandatory to be with the X-Men all the freakin' time? I love when someone says that - like now he can stop paying the dues or something. What a stupid thing to say.

Anyway, next issue the mystery begins to unravel. I did NOT look at Cronin's spoiler of the cover a few weeks back, because I didn't want to know. Keep it to yourself, people! These past few issues have just been filler to get past Decimation, and now Milligan is back on notice. I keep buying this, but it's close to the edge. We'll see how this mystery in space works out. It feels like it's something Milligan could hit right out of the park.

Thanks for putting up with my breast-obsession today. They just leapt out at me this week - maybe they were meant to???? No, the artists couldn't be that manipulative, could they?

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