Friday, March 17, 2006

A Year's Supply of Hyperbole in one review of Nextwave 1 and 2

I read Nextwave 1 and 2 yesterday. In the five minutes it took me to read through both issues, I went through something less like an enjoyable comic book reading experience and more like a religious epiphany.

Yes, friends, it was like I had met god, and he was a giant green Chinese lizard in purple pants created by Jack Kirby and written by a cranky English man with a techno fetish. Stuart Immonen's rendering of the god-purplepantsedlizard was less like excellent comic art and more like a mural of a saint. But, you know, it was Fin Fang Foom, man!

Dave Campbell at Dave's Long Box has a regular feature spotlighting "Fuck Yeah!" moments in superhero comments. Moments that you can't help but say fuck yeah too, they're so cool. Nextwave 1 and 2 looks those comics in the eye and hits them in the groin, it is so much better. Then it steals their boots. And pees in them. That's how it rolls. Because it is nothing but concentrated fuck yeah moments. I am, in fact, hoarse as I type this for yelling "fuck yeah" so often. But I think Nextwave may heal soar throats, so I am in luck. I ask you, what other comic does that? MAUS couldn't even get me a date; Nextwave got me a harem. It's all true! Ask my loving consort, Ashira, when she is done pleasuring me orally. But she probably will not answer you. Because she will be busy reading Nextwave.

If we could bottle the crackling greatness in Nextwave 1 and 2, we could cure cancer, world hunger, and make comics the dominant form of entertainment and literature, not just in the western world, but in all of the universe. Yes, that's right folks, if we could make liquid Nextwave, we could finally meet aliens. And get them to read Ganges, Scott Pilgrim, Lost Girls, and Superman/Batman. They're eclectic.

You might question me on that last point. You might even say it's just Warren Ellis doing Authority stripped of all pretense of seriousness, using obscure Marvel characters, and just having a laugh. And You might bring up that a lot of the storytelling techniques he uses that make it so much fun were used first by Joe Casey. You could even say that it's to silly to be a proper Marvel comic. And I might cut out your tongue, infidel! So you may not want to say that. Unless you're not fond of your tongue. I'm cool either way.

Nextwave Nextwave Nextwave. And Nextwave. Captain ****! Ah-Nextwave! Most holy purple pants! Fleshy one! Next! Wave! Sorry. That's what speaking in tongues is like when you are gripped by the Nextwave spirit.

In an interview, Warren Ellis said he plotted each two issues to be like a European graphic novel. I say that prophet Ellis plotted them more like biblical scripture, printed on solid gold pages. That comes with a free Led Zepplein CD. Where they jam with Jimi Hendrix, Chuck D, Tiny Tim, and Godzilla. And they all wear purple pants.

Some of you may say "This sounds like a great comic/religious experience/way to get a lot of bitches, but I don't like Marvel Comics or the way they do business." I just realized. I should have covered this earlier, but I was too busy having a Nextwavegasm. Let me address this. Nextwave's greatness retroactively makes every Marvel comic better for existing in the same universe, and also gives Jack Kirby's family royalties, makes Stan Lee take less credit even though he isn't the glory whore some people make him out to be, and makes Steve Ditko's politics less crazy. It doesn't make Jim Shooter less ugly, but it does give him better teeth. I mean, it has its limits, people.

Nextwave is the truth, the light, and the way... to laugh uproariously at a comic about people hitting things really hard. It is salvation from boring, rote, predictable pablum. It is Nextwave. And it died for your sins. Of an awesome overdose. Ignore it at your peril, read it to your delight, worship it if you are bored and expect to got to hell anyway. It's pretty good, I think.

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23 Comments:

Blogger nadir said...

i was so ready to love nextwave. i love ellis and this was the 1st 2 regular marvel books i have bought in a coons age, but i will not be going back.
it was far to over the top to be enjoyable. i hate b movies and this is what this felt like to me. a bad b movie.
i have been saying for years that there is only so much celluloid in the world to waste it on tripe like army of darkness, etc.
now i will be saying that there is only so many scripts that ellis can write in a month to waste it on nextwave.
i am sure it is quite easy to write for him and is being done so that he can pay some bills etc. i just wish that he would do more serious stuff that has more caloric value than celery -- as this is what nextwave seems to me, empty caloric value. most notably when you hold it against his far better series.

3/18/2006 12:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

I'll "me too" that (Brad's post, not Nadir's comment).

Does anyone know if Nextwave is a limited or an ongoing at this point? The solicitations used to say "of 12" and now I think they don't, which seems to imply it'll just keep on keepin' on. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about that - an infinite supply of Nextwave might kill me from the overdose of manic comic fun.

3/18/2006 02:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Nextwave forgives you for your heresy Nadir, because it loves you and wants you to be one with it and bathe in the glory of Fin Fang Foom's pants. I do not. Leave my blog with your wrong opinions. Leave! For you, sir, are truly the nadir of blog post commentators. Ha! You wrote that one for me.

3/18/2006 04:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Brad, High Priest of Nextwave said...

"To be honest, I don't know how I feel about that - an infinite supply of Nextwave might kill me from the overdose of manic comic fun."

That is Nextwave's idea. All of the true believers in Nextwave will be swept away on a tide of awesomeness to Valhalla, where we will all wear purple pants and eat fine cheeses whilst playing the lute. People like nadir will be left on Earth with comics that are not Nextwave, because after it kills us all it will have served its purpose and cease to exist. Because its earthly vessels Warren Ellis, Stuart Immonen, and Marvel Comics will all be prosecuted for our mass suicide/slip and slide ride to Valhalla. Anyway, nadir's life will be awful, and not just because his name means the lowest point in something, but because he will realize too late that he was very, very wrong about Nextwave, but it will be too late, because all copies will be in Valhalla with us. And he can't come. Because Valhalla has a strict no Nadirs policy. And we already have on Nadir reading Nextwave.

3/18/2006 04:16:00 AM  
Blogger Chad said...

I feel sorry for nadir. I feel sorry for nadir because now Dirk Anger will hunt him down and yell at him for a long, long time. I just hope andir doesn't have any pets. Dirk Anger might eat them.

3/18/2006 06:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ellis was obviously drunk as a lord when he wrote your precious Nextwave, idiots, it's a fucking pisstake for Christ's sake. Face facts, nadir's right.

BAAAAAAAAAAA!

3/18/2006 07:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

Are lords really drunk as much as tradition would hold? I say we round some up and do tests.

3/18/2006 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Chad said...

Hey anonymous!

1)If you had any balls you'd use your name! You are obviously some weak-kneed homofag girly poster! I am sending compuyter virii to eat your spleen!

2)It being a pisstake is WHY it's so good. You'd realize that if the best part of you hadn't dried on your mama's leg!

Now someone get me a woodland creature to eviscerate!

3/18/2006 02:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Fin Fang Foom put you in his pants!"

Yeah, Nextwave is good.

-Ralf Haring

3/18/2006 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger Brian Cronin said...

For the record, you can post here withOUT signing on with blogger.

Just click on the "other" option, and you can sign in with your name.

3/19/2006 05:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Dave said...

I enjoy Next Wave, and I enjoy that people who write about Next Wave inevitably slip into Ellis-talk. It's cute.

3/19/2006 05:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, as the dickens!

Chad: not that kind of pisstake. The other kind.

3/19/2006 06:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Zach Adams said...

Nextwave is NOT a pisstake. It's the return of the days when heroes fought giant apes on the moon, except with blood and sarcasm. SQUIRREL GIRL IS NEXTWAVE'S PROPHET!

3/19/2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

If we could bottle the crackling greatness in Nextwave 1 and 2, we could cure cancer, world hunger, and make comics the dominant form of entertainment and literature, not just in the western world, but in all of the universe.
I'd settle for just soaking Not Avengers in it for a while, as a last resort, like.

You could even say that it's to silly to be a proper Marvel comic.
I've heard people complaining about this and I'm just baffled. They really seem to think that their X-Men comics are in some way more serious than nextwave.

nextwave is great, especially the sexy/scary Elsa Bloodstone. Oh okay, there's a slight hint that Ellis is trying a bit too hard to be "fun", but I can live with that.

nextwave is, I think, an ongoing. It was originally solicited as an ongoing, got switched to a twelve-issue run, but #2's letters page confirms that it's an ongoing. But then again "ongoing" might mean "twelve issues whenever we can be bothered" at Marvel nowadays. A hardcover of the first twelve issues has already been solicited though.

3/19/2006 10:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't really care about Nextwave, it's just okay perhaps. Fine, I suppose. I don't particularly go nuts for it, but some others do. And that's fine. I like it well enough. But.

My criticism is, that Elsa Bloodstone in Nextwave really sucks. Listen, I don't give a good god-damn about the rest of it, this is my only complaint, so listen to it, and don't give me any shit:

Do we fucking NEED another clubhopping Londoner bitch who pays attention to her artificial nails, says "dahhhhling" like Joanna Lumley on Absolutely Fabulous, and is shallow, and cell-phoney, and all that other shit I've SEEN BEFORE THANK YOU WARREN!, I ask you DO WE?

It does bug me. And I'll offer you this: it isn't funny. And I'll offer you this, too: it's got to stop. I'm not willing to see this character template re-selected and re-re-selected over and over again, it may play to some kind of ironic tension somewhere but I DON'T CARE, it isn't MY fucking ironic tension, and I'm beginning to find this particular sort of push-pull Anglophilism/phobia/steinianism (joke! covered up by doody and splattered brains) quite TIRESOME.

I'm not saying Nextwave is good or bad, or funny or not funny. I AM saying that this part of it is lazy as fuck, and deserves no respect from anybody. And let me make this clear, Bloggers: *I'd rather fight than switch*. So if any of you want to come at me with bloated superlatives about the glory of Nextwave, be sure I will stuff them down your throats. I like Warren Ellis, and I'm, you know, okay with Nextwave. But that Bloodstone shit is lazy, lazy shit, and I just dare you to tell me it isn't.

Anyone? Anyone out there with the guts to call the Emperor a spade? I'll pay you a golden guinea for it, dahhhling...

3/20/2006 05:10:00 AM  
Blogger plok said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3/20/2006 05:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ellis turdlicker. Move on.

3/21/2006 07:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend of mine read my copies of the first two issues of NEXTWAVE and had a complaint.

"I didn't connect with the characters"

WTF? He was either missing the point completely or was just being deliberately obtuser. Either way, I'm looking at options to have him covertly sterilized.

3/21/2006 11:30:00 PM  
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