Friday, March 17, 2006

A Year's Supply of Hyperbole in one review of Nextwave 1 and 2

I read Nextwave 1 and 2 yesterday. In the five minutes it took me to read through both issues, I went through something less like an enjoyable comic book reading experience and more like a religious epiphany.

Yes, friends, it was like I had met god, and he was a giant green Chinese lizard in purple pants created by Jack Kirby and written by a cranky English man with a techno fetish. Stuart Immonen's rendering of the god-purplepantsedlizard was less like excellent comic art and more like a mural of a saint. But, you know, it was Fin Fang Foom, man!

Dave Campbell at Dave's Long Box has a regular feature spotlighting "Fuck Yeah!" moments in superhero comments. Moments that you can't help but say fuck yeah too, they're so cool. Nextwave 1 and 2 looks those comics in the eye and hits them in the groin, it is so much better. Then it steals their boots. And pees in them. That's how it rolls. Because it is nothing but concentrated fuck yeah moments. I am, in fact, hoarse as I type this for yelling "fuck yeah" so often. But I think Nextwave may heal soar throats, so I am in luck. I ask you, what other comic does that? MAUS couldn't even get me a date; Nextwave got me a harem. It's all true! Ask my loving consort, Ashira, when she is done pleasuring me orally. But she probably will not answer you. Because she will be busy reading Nextwave.

If we could bottle the crackling greatness in Nextwave 1 and 2, we could cure cancer, world hunger, and make comics the dominant form of entertainment and literature, not just in the western world, but in all of the universe. Yes, that's right folks, if we could make liquid Nextwave, we could finally meet aliens. And get them to read Ganges, Scott Pilgrim, Lost Girls, and Superman/Batman. They're eclectic.

You might question me on that last point. You might even say it's just Warren Ellis doing Authority stripped of all pretense of seriousness, using obscure Marvel characters, and just having a laugh. And You might bring up that a lot of the storytelling techniques he uses that make it so much fun were used first by Joe Casey. You could even say that it's to silly to be a proper Marvel comic. And I might cut out your tongue, infidel! So you may not want to say that. Unless you're not fond of your tongue. I'm cool either way.

Nextwave Nextwave Nextwave. And Nextwave. Captain ****! Ah-Nextwave! Most holy purple pants! Fleshy one! Next! Wave! Sorry. That's what speaking in tongues is like when you are gripped by the Nextwave spirit.

In an interview, Warren Ellis said he plotted each two issues to be like a European graphic novel. I say that prophet Ellis plotted them more like biblical scripture, printed on solid gold pages. That comes with a free Led Zepplein CD. Where they jam with Jimi Hendrix, Chuck D, Tiny Tim, and Godzilla. And they all wear purple pants.

Some of you may say "This sounds like a great comic/religious experience/way to get a lot of bitches, but I don't like Marvel Comics or the way they do business." I just realized. I should have covered this earlier, but I was too busy having a Nextwavegasm. Let me address this. Nextwave's greatness retroactively makes every Marvel comic better for existing in the same universe, and also gives Jack Kirby's family royalties, makes Stan Lee take less credit even though he isn't the glory whore some people make him out to be, and makes Steve Ditko's politics less crazy. It doesn't make Jim Shooter less ugly, but it does give him better teeth. I mean, it has its limits, people.

Nextwave is the truth, the light, and the way... to laugh uproariously at a comic about people hitting things really hard. It is salvation from boring, rote, predictable pablum. It is Nextwave. And it died for your sins. Of an awesome overdose. Ignore it at your peril, read it to your delight, worship it if you are bored and expect to got to hell anyway. It's pretty good, I think.

Read More


Blogger nadir said...

i was so ready to love nextwave. i love ellis and this was the 1st 2 regular marvel books i have bought in a coons age, but i will not be going back.
it was far to over the top to be enjoyable. i hate b movies and this is what this felt like to me. a bad b movie.
i have been saying for years that there is only so much celluloid in the world to waste it on tripe like army of darkness, etc.
now i will be saying that there is only so many scripts that ellis can write in a month to waste it on nextwave.
i am sure it is quite easy to write for him and is being done so that he can pay some bills etc. i just wish that he would do more serious stuff that has more caloric value than celery -- as this is what nextwave seems to me, empty caloric value. most notably when you hold it against his far better series.

3/18/2006 12:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

I'll "me too" that (Brad's post, not Nadir's comment).

Does anyone know if Nextwave is a limited or an ongoing at this point? The solicitations used to say "of 12" and now I think they don't, which seems to imply it'll just keep on keepin' on. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about that - an infinite supply of Nextwave might kill me from the overdose of manic comic fun.

3/18/2006 02:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Nextwave forgives you for your heresy Nadir, because it loves you and wants you to be one with it and bathe in the glory of Fin Fang Foom's pants. I do not. Leave my blog with your wrong opinions. Leave! For you, sir, are truly the nadir of blog post commentators. Ha! You wrote that one for me.

3/18/2006 04:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Brad, High Priest of Nextwave said...

"To be honest, I don't know how I feel about that - an infinite supply of Nextwave might kill me from the overdose of manic comic fun."

That is Nextwave's idea. All of the true believers in Nextwave will be swept away on a tide of awesomeness to Valhalla, where we will all wear purple pants and eat fine cheeses whilst playing the lute. People like nadir will be left on Earth with comics that are not Nextwave, because after it kills us all it will have served its purpose and cease to exist. Because its earthly vessels Warren Ellis, Stuart Immonen, and Marvel Comics will all be prosecuted for our mass suicide/slip and slide ride to Valhalla. Anyway, nadir's life will be awful, and not just because his name means the lowest point in something, but because he will realize too late that he was very, very wrong about Nextwave, but it will be too late, because all copies will be in Valhalla with us. And he can't come. Because Valhalla has a strict no Nadirs policy. And we already have on Nadir reading Nextwave.

3/18/2006 04:16:00 AM  
Blogger Chad said...

I feel sorry for nadir. I feel sorry for nadir because now Dirk Anger will hunt him down and yell at him for a long, long time. I just hope andir doesn't have any pets. Dirk Anger might eat them.

3/18/2006 06:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ellis was obviously drunk as a lord when he wrote your precious Nextwave, idiots, it's a fucking pisstake for Christ's sake. Face facts, nadir's right.


3/18/2006 07:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

Are lords really drunk as much as tradition would hold? I say we round some up and do tests.

3/18/2006 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Chad said...

Hey anonymous!

1)If you had any balls you'd use your name! You are obviously some weak-kneed homofag girly poster! I am sending compuyter virii to eat your spleen!

2)It being a pisstake is WHY it's so good. You'd realize that if the best part of you hadn't dried on your mama's leg!

Now someone get me a woodland creature to eviscerate!

3/18/2006 02:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Fin Fang Foom put you in his pants!"

Yeah, Nextwave is good.

-Ralf Haring

3/18/2006 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger Brian Cronin said...

For the record, you can post here withOUT signing on with blogger.

Just click on the "other" option, and you can sign in with your name.

3/19/2006 05:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Dave said...

I enjoy Next Wave, and I enjoy that people who write about Next Wave inevitably slip into Ellis-talk. It's cute.

3/19/2006 05:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, as the dickens!

Chad: not that kind of pisstake. The other kind.

3/19/2006 06:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Zach Adams said...

Nextwave is NOT a pisstake. It's the return of the days when heroes fought giant apes on the moon, except with blood and sarcasm. SQUIRREL GIRL IS NEXTWAVE'S PROPHET!

3/19/2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

If we could bottle the crackling greatness in Nextwave 1 and 2, we could cure cancer, world hunger, and make comics the dominant form of entertainment and literature, not just in the western world, but in all of the universe.
I'd settle for just soaking Not Avengers in it for a while, as a last resort, like.

You could even say that it's to silly to be a proper Marvel comic.
I've heard people complaining about this and I'm just baffled. They really seem to think that their X-Men comics are in some way more serious than nextwave.

nextwave is great, especially the sexy/scary Elsa Bloodstone. Oh okay, there's a slight hint that Ellis is trying a bit too hard to be "fun", but I can live with that.

nextwave is, I think, an ongoing. It was originally solicited as an ongoing, got switched to a twelve-issue run, but #2's letters page confirms that it's an ongoing. But then again "ongoing" might mean "twelve issues whenever we can be bothered" at Marvel nowadays. A hardcover of the first twelve issues has already been solicited though.

3/19/2006 10:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't really care about Nextwave, it's just okay perhaps. Fine, I suppose. I don't particularly go nuts for it, but some others do. And that's fine. I like it well enough. But.

My criticism is, that Elsa Bloodstone in Nextwave really sucks. Listen, I don't give a good god-damn about the rest of it, this is my only complaint, so listen to it, and don't give me any shit:

Do we fucking NEED another clubhopping Londoner bitch who pays attention to her artificial nails, says "dahhhhling" like Joanna Lumley on Absolutely Fabulous, and is shallow, and cell-phoney, and all that other shit I've SEEN BEFORE THANK YOU WARREN!, I ask you DO WE?

It does bug me. And I'll offer you this: it isn't funny. And I'll offer you this, too: it's got to stop. I'm not willing to see this character template re-selected and re-re-selected over and over again, it may play to some kind of ironic tension somewhere but I DON'T CARE, it isn't MY fucking ironic tension, and I'm beginning to find this particular sort of push-pull Anglophilism/phobia/steinianism (joke! covered up by doody and splattered brains) quite TIRESOME.

I'm not saying Nextwave is good or bad, or funny or not funny. I AM saying that this part of it is lazy as fuck, and deserves no respect from anybody. And let me make this clear, Bloggers: *I'd rather fight than switch*. So if any of you want to come at me with bloated superlatives about the glory of Nextwave, be sure I will stuff them down your throats. I like Warren Ellis, and I'm, you know, okay with Nextwave. But that Bloodstone shit is lazy, lazy shit, and I just dare you to tell me it isn't.

Anyone? Anyone out there with the guts to call the Emperor a spade? I'll pay you a golden guinea for it, dahhhling...

3/20/2006 05:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3/20/2006 05:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ellis turdlicker. Move on.

3/21/2006 07:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend of mine read my copies of the first two issues of NEXTWAVE and had a complaint.

"I didn't connect with the characters"

WTF? He was either missing the point completely or was just being deliberately obtuser. Either way, I'm looking at options to have him covertly sterilized.

3/21/2006 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger shoppingugg said...

Abercrombie sale buy Abercrombie buy Abercrombie Abercrombie shop Abercrombie shop Abercrombie store Abercrombie store Cheap Abercrombie and Fitch clothing Cheap Abercrombie and Fitch clothing discount Abercrombie and Fitch clothing discount Abercrombie and Fitch clothing Thank you for the information

1/29/2010 02:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gucci replica handbags
men gucci shoes
Gucci men sneakers
Gucci men moccasins
gucci women sneakers
gucci women boots
Gucci men boots
Gucci shop
Gucci bags
Gucci shoes
wholesale gucci shoes
cheap Gucci handbags
Gucci ON sale
Gucci Belts
Gucci small accessories
Gucci hats & scarves
Gucci wallets
Gucci Handbags
Women Gucci shoes
Men Gucci shoes
discount gucci shoes
cheap Gucci shoes

2/07/2010 09:59:00 PM  
Blogger maiyuan said...

Links of London Charms Speaking of Miss Pageant Links of London the first image jumped into your Links of London sale mind must be their gorgeous faces and sexy figures Links of London jewelry ugg boots sale Lonk at the Miss congeniality from Hungary cheap Links of London they are dressed in lily-white full dress and have on Links of London Sweetie Watches Links of London are glittering in the light links of london Watch Charm of magnesium lamp and set off their bright smiles Links of London Friendship Bracelets Their face and body are good unimpeachable Links of London Bracelets you may even be surprised to lament Links of London Charms Bracelets So, Hungary is also rich in beauty Links of London Necklaces But as a matter of fact, this is a so unusual Links of London Earrings beauty contest that every contester links of london Watch Charms had plastic surgery before Links of London Chain kids eyeglasses. The organization acclaims Links of London Sweetie Bracelet to diminish the misunderstandings people hold toward plastic surgery Links of London Sweetie Watches we organize this special links of london sweetie beauty contest.

2/26/2010 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger Angela Dixon said...

I really like your writing style. Such a nice Post, Can’t wait for the next one.

Asus - ZENBOOK 15.6" Laptop - 8GB Memory - 256GB Solid State Drive + 256GB Solid State Drive - Aluminum Silver/Gray

Asus - ROG 17.3" Laptop - 16GB Memory - 1TB Hard Drive + 256GB Solid State Drive - Black

11/05/2013 07:17:00 AM  
Blogger Zheng junxai5 said...

tory burch shoes
cheap ray ban sunglasses
toms shoes outlet online
coach outlet store
nike store
oakley sunglasses wholesale
oakley outlet
nfl jerseys
coach factory outlet online
coach outlet online
coach outlet clearance
supra footwear
louis vuitton outlet stores
cheap basketball shoes
coach factory outlet online
gucci handbags
lebron james shoes 13
adidas yeezy
cheap jerseys
jordan retro 8
copy watches
louis vuitton outlet stores
air jordan 8
toms outlet
fitflop clearance
air max 95
coach outlet canada
jordan 3 powder blue
kate spade
louis vuitton outlet
fitflop shoes
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton bags
gucci outlet
mont blanc pen
louis vuitton handbags
burberry outlet online
louis vuitton outlet
michael kors handbags
celine handbags

7/22/2016 05:10:00 AM  
Blogger wayneebrownas said...

Even after hostile usage, it will certainly endure for five years Water Website at least You could manage every little thing using What is the Best Water Filter? the LCD with touch pad controls If you have standard watergadget plumbing abilities, you can mount this equipment best water filter with DIY installer plan.

5/13/2017 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger wayneebrownas said...

So now download this useful frp bypass android tool by bellow reference download link and then Get More install it on your home windows now, DG Unlocker Devices frp bypass All FRP Bypass is updated.

6/29/2017 02:31:00 AM  
Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

nike roshe
ugg boots
ralph lauren uk
chiefs jersey
oakley sunglasses
michael kors handbags
ugg outlet
nike shoes
mont blanc outlet
ralph lauren outlet

8/08/2017 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger 郑佳颖 said...

adidas outlet
gucci belts
adidas tubular

adidas yeezy boost
michael kors outlet online
cartier love bracelet
kobe basketball shoes
kobe 9
adidas shoes

8/18/2017 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

atlanta falcons jerseys
ugg boots
jordan shoes
christian louboutin shoes
new england patriots jerseys
coach outlet store online
cleveland cavaliers jerseys
true religion outlet
ugg boots
sac longchamp

9/01/2017 10:54:00 PM  
Blogger jeje said...

chrome hearts online
michael kors outlet handbags
nike air max 2017
kd shoes
yeezy boost 350
kobe basketball shoes
retro jordans
michael kors outlet
kobe basketball shoes
nike dunk low

9/25/2017 05:00:00 AM  
Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

oakley sunglasses wholesale
ecco shoes uk
air jordan 8
ralph lauren polo
coach outlet online
nike huarache
armani outlet
nike outlet
jordan 4
ralph lauren outlet

10/09/2017 09:26:00 PM  
Blogger LCc 03 said...

longchamp longchamps
nike flyknit
nike lebron soldier 10
nike flyknit racer
kate spade outlet
nike roshe
kobe 11
ferragamo belts
kobe 9

3/31/2018 01:58:00 AM  
Blogger Yaro Gabriel said...

oakley sunglasses wholesale
dallas cowboys jerseys
nike huarache
ray ban sunglasses
ed hardy clothing
louboutin shoes
oakley sunglasses wholesale
christian louboutin outlet
cheap ray bans
new orleans saints jerseys

4/05/2018 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Alyson ning said...

I don't apperceive what it is about the bendable blow and matte finish, but I accept a anemic atom for printed suede Louboutin Outlet. One of the best brands to cull this off is YSL Outlet. I accept to acquaint you about a backpack attraction of mine Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet. I am in fact mad at myself that I did not splurge on the YSL Wallet Outlet Croc Muse Two which has two colors that I admire with a sueced croc pattern. To see a formed suede accomplishment off a Red Bottoms Outlet that I already adore, my affection melts. Replica Watches are additionally pretty reflective of their user's persona. Amazing furthermore multi-colored Rolex Replica Watches are commonly worn because of the younger. Conversely, exquisite dress Swiss Rolex Replica are regularly sported by highly developed gentlemen. And then usually there's the luxurious Swiss Replica Watches worn by the individuals who're properly to complete. Check out observing your mates furthermore you can before long see how the layouts are actually ranging.

4/20/2018 01:55:00 AM  
Blogger raybanoutlet001 said...

nfl jerseys
moncler jackets
coach outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet
canada goose outlet
ralph lauren outlet
christian louboutin shoes
true religion jeans
ralph lauren outlet
canada goose jackets

4/28/2018 02:13:00 AM  
Blogger Yaro Gabriel said...


ralph lauren polo shirts
coach factory outlet
warriors jerseys
air jordan 4
fitflops sale clearance
kate spade outlet
coach outlet online
pandora jewelry
hermes outlet
columbia sportswear

6/16/2018 02:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Cara Mengobati Hematuria said...

Thank you for joining us. his article is very helpful

Obat Maag Alami
Obat Keputihan Alami
Obat Penambah Berat Badan
Cara Mengobati Penyakit Kista
Cara Mengobati Sesak Napas Alami
Cara Mengobati Penyakit Gagal Jantung

6/23/2018 09:02:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home