Sunday, March 19, 2006

I'm angry too! Some reasons why the blogsphere will grow to hate me

Since we're all venting our spleens, and the week is not yet over:

1. I refuse to seek out Tales to Designed to Thrizzle, despite the fact that it is apparently the cure for cancer. It may well be. But I hate that title. And yes, Snarky McSnarkington, I read Spider-Man and Aquaman and Ridiculous Tights Man. Because they are not pretentious. They're pretty up front about not guaranteeing anything but 22 pages and a fight at some point. Indie comics are not. They're so needy. "Love me! I am better than the Punisher but have 2x less the print run!" Well, whopdeefuckingdo! So is a colonoscopy. I'm not going to go out of my way for one of those either. I'll buy Tales Designed to Thrizzle when Michael Kupperman and Fantagraphics send me a plane ticket to fancy pants New York with a gilded invitation. And even then I might just by two more copies of Nextwave 1 and 2 with the money." Also, when the name becomes less ridiculous, something Lucky Number SLeven. Now that I will spend money for.

2. Speaking of indie shit; Scott Pilgrim. Now, I'm not suicidal. I love me some Scott Pilgrim. But I ordered it off Amazon with a copy of Top 10: the 49ers. It has not shipped yet. It took so long, in fact, that I cancelled the order and bought a wrestling pay-per-view with the money instead. Now, I read on Brian Lee O'Malley's blog that he hadn't finished it yet. In February. I say we fire that prima donna and put Roger Stern and Ron Wilson on the book instead, since apparently Marvel wants them to starve and they cannot work anywhere else. It would make John Byrne happy.

3. John Byrne- Fuck John Byrne. Not even for being a racist fanboy. Or for being boring since like 1994. Or giving Bendis the inspiration for his crappy Avengers run. Or making Superman joyless and boring. Or being very, very boring. But just because... okay, it's all of those things.

4. Firestorm- Fuck Firestorm, too. Why does anyone like him? He is so lame! He is distilled lame! He is anti-Nextwave. He is Spider-Man for people who miss the point of Spider-Man! He... you know, I just can't get past the puffy sleeves. I'm sorry, oddly passionate fanbase. I like Speedball. You can use that against me.

5. People who hate Speedball- But you can also go fuck yourselves.

6. People who say fuck- I'm not a hypocrite, but if I use fuck three more times, I get a toaster from Cronin.

7. Identity Fuck Crisis Fuck- Pony up, Cronin.

8. People who accuse people of liking certain comics because they're hipsters- If anyone thinks that liking a certain comic makes them a hipster, they are an idiot. So why are you accusing people who like Grant Morrison or Street Angel of being idiots? Do you have something against idiots? Well, bigot, you're probably related to one! Unless you are one and it's self loathing.

9. People who don't like Nextwave like that one guy in the comments section- I mean, I'm already bored with my cult idea, but I can not fathom who someone could not howl with glee through both issues? Sure, there is no subtext, depth, social conscicousness, moping, or any weight whatsoever. But it's so much concentrated comics joy that I could barely contain myself. Sure, Ellis may be laughing at me, what with his finally fitting that whole "It's what they want" bit in to a comic, but it's just so absurd that I do not care, I love it so much. I want my monthly comics fast, loud, and fun, like a good rock song, and Nextwave is the fastest, loudest, funnest comic I've read in a long time, much less from Marvel.

10. Yeah, I'm too happy now to fuck around with this anger shit. Comics are great, man. I love you all! Let's all buy some purple pants and read whatever we enjoy. Except Tales Designed to Fucking Thrizzle.

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Blogger Apodaca said...

You don't think it's funny?

Making fun of the hyperbole and silliness of those old comics titles, by using a goofy slang that's already past its cultural prime?

I mean, you don't think he actually believes it's cool-sounding, do you?

3/19/2006 05:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Zard said...

I think I'm the guy in the comments section who doesn't like Nextwave.

Brad doesn't own a gun or anything, right?

3/19/2006 05:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Myk said...

C´mon, admit it. You won´t buy it coz it´s hipster shit. Riiiight!?

3/19/2006 06:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Zard said...

I'm found out!

3/19/2006 06:12:00 PM  
Anonymous jacob munford said...

Jason Rusch is pretty damn cool. That's all.

3/19/2006 06:18:00 PM  
Blogger Brian Cronin said...

Ex Machina is a pretentious title, but still a cool comic book.

I don't think Tales Designed to Thrizzle is as pretentious of a title, and it is also a cool comic book.

3/19/2006 08:00:00 PM  
Blogger admin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3/19/2006 08:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

You just hate Tales Designed To Thrizzle because you think it's for hipsters.

3/19/2006 08:22:00 PM  
Blogger David Cutler said...

Yeah, I have to say I don't think there's anything remotely pretentious about the title Tales Designed to Thrizzle. More playfully ironic.

But I have to agree about Nextwave nay-sayers. One of the criticisms I've read is everything in the comic is the way it is for the sake of humour. Like... Fin Fang Foom is only in purple pants so Ellis can make fun of the purple pants. This makes my brain hurt. "You only set up that joke because there was a punchline!!" Um...

I'm also on board with you on Scott Pilgrim 3--although he's been very apologetic about it on his website, the book's three months late now, and will likely end up being 4 or 5.

3/20/2006 02:00:00 AM  
Blogger Edward Liu said...

Those who think Kupperman created "Thrizzle" as a sly pop culture reference will be disappointed by his recent comments on Pop Culture Shock:

"Actually, no; I thought up the name a few years ago as a play on "thrill" and "dazzle.” It was only when the first issue was about to come out that I realized people took it as a play on hip-hop language. By then it was too late to change it."

BTW, I think you're one "fuck" short to get the toaster.

3/20/2006 09:54:00 AM  
Blogger Brian Cronin said...

I'm afraid Edward is correct, Brad.

One Fuck Shy.

3/20/2006 06:43:00 PM  
Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

Actually, Fin Fang Foom has always had purple pants, I believe. That's not why I hate it. I actually don't hate, I just don't see what's funny. It had a decent moment or two, but really its success seems to be attributed to the current comic book climate. If everyone wasn't all bent out of shape about IC and HoM and what not, it wouldn't have received such accolades.

But Scott Pilgrim, that shits funny.

3/22/2006 07:09:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Griswold said...

I bet that Scott Pilgrim guy has to work another job so he can eat.

3/27/2006 11:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Esbat said...

I refuse to seek out Tales to Designed to Thrizzle, despite the fact that it is apparently the cure for cancer. It may well be. But I hate that title. And yes, Snarky McSnarkington, I read Spider-Man and Aquaman and Ridiculous Tights Man. Because they are not pretentious. They're pretty up front about not guaranteeing anything but 22 pages and a fight at some point.


4/28/2006 12:44:00 PM  
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