Thursday, March 16, 2006

I Prove That I Am Better Than Chris Ware, Stan Lee, Kurt Busiek, Frank Miller, and Gerry Conway, and others but don't fuck with Art Spigelman; My ID's

Your incestuous cross posting cut and paste bonanza of the day, my ID's from Cronin's thread on his less popular blog I'm not linking to, you lazy fucks. They're in chronological order as I wrote them, for the completists, except now with added cursing and correct grammar, but still as delusional as ever:

Painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa here, but... I would have had Batman die for real at the end of DKR. Carrie Kelly or, god forbid, Dick Grayson could have done the same thing he did with raising the Mutants as an army, and it would have made that incredibly powerful fight scene even more emotionally resonant. Sure, we would have lost the Superman wink at Bruce's funeral, but I can live with that trade off. And also, I probably would have used Batmite. Frank Miller has more restraint than I do. Well, at least he did before he went batshit insane, pardon the pun.

Also, I would have done everything in my power to keep Jean Grey dead after the Phoenix Saga. X-Factor could go fuck itself for all I care. The plot hammering done to set that comic up really screwed up the X-Men (well, among many other things), I think, and what did we get? Well, Peter David's run is good, but I don't think getting the original X-Men together in a team was worth ruining the best X-Men story ever and throwing a perfectly good character like Madeline Prior in the toilet (assuming that was the reason she became the Goblin Queen and died. I'm not sure).

This is addictive. I would have give Silver Surfer a wacky sidekick to make his stories less monotonously mopey and dour. Okay, we get it Stan, he's space Jesus. Make with the wisecracks already! Maybe I would have created Pip the Troll if he wasn't around already and had them go on wacky adventures. That way, the Surfer could do his purple prose philosophizing but someone could shut him up. John Buscema would make it all look gorgeous anyway, and it might not have been a failure my way.

Now, if I had done Maus... all right, I'm not going to fuck with Maus.

If I had designed Firestorm's costume, I wouldn't have used the puffy sleeves, because they are PUFFY FUCKING SLEEVES! Also, I probably wouldn't have created Firestorm.

Firestorm sucks, is what I'm trying to say. Suck on it, inexplicably rabid fanbase!

Man, I could do Jimmy Corrigan better, too! You don't believe me but I totally could! In my version, Jimmy dies three pages in and the rest of the story is about Hellboy and Maggie from Love and Rockets teaming up to go back in time to the World's Fair chapter of the story, the only part of that book I really liked other than the dream sequence where he killed his dog. I'd do that like Ware did, because at least that hack got it right there. Also, there would be pirates. And Wendigo. I still think I could win the Guardian Book Prize and become a literary darling, and if not, hey, Wendigo vs. Hellboy vs. Blackbeard. I do not see a down side to butchering Ware's masterpiece. I am hoping Fantagraphics agrees and lets me re-do it.

Also, I could have done Danger Girl, Krazy Kat, American Splendor, Identity Crisis, Astronauts in Trouble, Conan, David Boring, The Invisibles, Garfield, and New Gods, among others, much better than their creators, but you'll have to take my admittedly biased word for it.

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Anonymous Iron Lungfish said...

I'd do a vastly improved version of The Invisibles, without the insultingly simplistic moral binary, the dozens of dangling plot threads, the grossly homophobic gay minstrel character and the embarrasing authorial wish-fulfillment devices, only Morrison already did that and called it The Filth.

3/16/2006 01:24:00 PM  
Blogger melvin p. mouse said...

You can tell you're not serious by the fact that you've actually read Chirs Ware's Jimmy Corrigan. It's amazing, yet not a perfect book, but still... I mean, c'mon! if it wasn't by him, it wouldn't be the same book...

3/16/2006 02:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Matthew Craig said...

Oh, I'd forgotten about Jean.

I'd fire every writer who used the word "Phoenix" in relation to Ultimate X-Men.

I mean, Jean Grey has a personality, right?



3/16/2006 02:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Jer said...

I don't really care that they brought back Jean Grey or not (I mean, come on, her name was Pheonix for crying out loud - she was gonna come back some day), but did they have to make Cyclops into such a loser? Leaving his wife and kid because his dead girlfriend came back to life? I mean, he had a kid and he just leaves them in Alaska (or something) because he finds out his high-school sweetie is still alive. Bah - irresponsbile twit. Its colored how I think of Cyclops to this day.

Firestorm is not Firestorm without puffy sleeves, my friend. Firestorm without puffy sleeves is like Spider-man as an avatar of the Spider-God - you could do it, but what would be the point?

I like the idea of a wacky sidekick for the Silver Sufer, though - a "cosmic Peter" to his "space Jesus" perhaps? You'd have to get Kevin McGuire to draw it, though, because the facial expressions on ol' Norrin Radd would be the best part...

I'd have had Sue Dibny overpower Dr. Light and kick him in the 'nads. 'Cause he's Dr. Light for the love of God, and Sue could have easily kicked his pansy ass.

I'd have had Zatanna point out, when they asked her to mindwipe folks, that this didn't work out so well when they did it in Squadron Supreme in the 80s, and they might want to think this through a bit more.

I'd have had Black Canary take out all of her attackers before they could have slit her throat (in Grell's Green Arrow series). Then I'd have had her punch Mike Grell for good measure, dump Ollie for good, and get her own solo book. 'Cause Black Canary kicks ass and Green Arrow doesn't.

I'd have had someone stop me from buying Darkhawk. Or, failing that, I'd have written Darkhawk to have more than just one storyline that repeated itself 7 times in 20 issues.

I'd have had Hal Jordan die saving the universe from a massively horrible, cosmic threat - with the full hero treatment like Barry got during Crisis. I'd have NOT turned Hal into "Parallax", had him try to reboot the universe, had him turn into the Spectre, or basically done anything with Hal Jordan after he was killed. Because Hal is BORING, and pretty much any other Green Lantern is more fun to read about. (Especially Ch'ip - where are all of the folks demanding a Ch'ip: Rebirth series?)

I'd not have written the first year of Kyle Rayner's tenure as Green Lantern to make him an unlikable twit. Nor would I have killed off his girlfriend and had her stuffed in a refridgerator. Nor would I have tried to play Major Force as a dangerous supervillain - he's a clown and he's named Major Force for crying-out-loud - he was a clown in Captain Atom's book, and he's still a clown.

Jeebus, I have to stop. Not only is this addictive, its making me sound like the cranky old man that I am...

3/16/2006 02:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Beta Ray Steve said...

I'd have Wolverine re-decapitate Magneto, and feed the rest of him to the woodchipper. Resurrect This

3/16/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Adrian said...

I'd have put Nightshade on some covert operations-type book rather than the Shadowpact. Nightshade as a principled secret agent who walks the line between good and evil, the way John Ostrander wrote her in Suicide Squad, rather than a generic magical heroine. She's make a good addition to Checkmate or even Birds of Prey.

I'd make the new Dr. Fate someone who is morally ambiguous, like Faust (Felix Fausts' sson from 90's Outsiders), or even Aton Arcane.

I'd have the Max Lord who killed Blue Beetle to have been a clone, or mind controlled by the Sheeda, or something, and Max Lord would return in Checkmate as the unscrupulous con-man with a heart he used to be, only operating on a larger playing field. It'd be interesting to see him interact with Amanda Waller. I'd also bring back Ted Kord as an artificial intelligence inhabiting the new Blue Beetle's costume.

I'd bring back the Grant Morrison version of Doom Patrol, with Beast Boy and the Bulleteer as members.

I'd have had Warren Ellis write the OMAC revival, and have it be a skewed modern take on Jack Kirby's original themes of weird future technology an individual trying to protect humanity from the consequences of its own mistakes, rather than another excuse to make Batman look like a jerk.

I'd take JMS of Spider-Man and Fantastic Four and put him on Thor. It would play to his strengths more, and all the stuff he writes about destiny would make more sense in the context of Norse mythology. Simone Bianchi would draw it.

I'd have aliens invade the Earth and kick the asses of the New Avengers in about three minutes. Then there would be some kind of retcon explanation for Wanda's insanity and the real Avengers would come back. Gravity would be a member.

I'd do a revival of Beowulf instead of Claw the Unconquored to be DC's answer to Conan.

I'd have whatever comic company I would work for licence an Airwolf comic and have Dave Campbell write it.

3/16/2006 03:28:00 PM  
Blogger Cej said...

I'd have let Harry Osborne die of an LSD overdose (is that possible?) circa Amz Spider-Man #96; I'd have Norman blame Peter (for being such a bad friend), thus giving him a, y'know, real motive for killing Gwen circa #121. Then I wouldn't have killed Norman, because nothing brings two people together like killing their loved ones.

Barring that, I'd have at least let Roger Stern finish revealing who the Hobgoblin was before firing him from the title. What a clusterf**k that was.

3/16/2006 03:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Mike Loughlin said...

I'd have kept Magneto dead.

I'd have had the Legacy virus cured through a story rather than "uh, I don't know, Colossus kills himself, or something?"

I'd have kept the Savage Hulk & Joe Fixit around for at least another year before merging the Hulk's personalities.(see Hulk 372-7)

I'd have kept the Hawkworld continuity for Hawkman & Hawkwoman, because it's the only time the character was interesting.

I'd have ended the Maxx at issue 20, and rewrote the last dozen issues so they're not so clumsily tied in to the first 20.

I'd keep Connor Hawke as Green Arrow, but give his comic more zip.

3/16/2006 03:50:00 PM  
Blogger MarkAndrew said...

Jimmy Corrigan would be a lot better with a whacky sidekick, too.

In case Fantagraphics doesn't go for your first idea.

3/16/2006 04:34:00 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

They already made Dr. Fate morally ambiguous. They called it Fate and it lasted 22 issues and I may be the only person in the known universe who liked it.

And I also liked Ostrander's Firestorm ... (as he goes off into the corner and cries because Brad made him feel bad)

3/16/2006 04:39:00 PM  
Anonymous red_Ricky said...

1- I wouldn't have chosen James as Wolverine's real name. Hell, I wouldn't have allowed Origin to happen.

2- I would not have had Dr.Light mindwiped. I would've had Sue kick his ass, send his ass to OZ, and watched his ass get assfucked for being a rapist.

3- I would not have allowed a Superman Family to exist (well except for Krypto, but he would've died just like any other pet.)


Superman is Superman. He can do anything. Only now, he doesn't have to. He can just direct supertraffic between the 5 Supergirls, 2 Superboys and 1 Super-Grandpa!
You want a Super-Family? Just say the word... SHAZAM!

4- Speaking of... I would have a Shazam Adventures comicbook (Animated or Anime style) even if there is no Animated series to go with it!

5-I would have allowed the Flash to save his wife, Iris Allen. She didn't stay dead and all it did was start a domino effect that ended with Barry dying, Hal going insane, Sue getting raped, and so on and so on. (And to make matters worst, every week CSI reminds me how cool Barry could still be.)

6- I would have every Batgirl, Batwoman, Batboy and/or sidekick in the DC Universe work with Batman for an issue. Then die wearing a Robin costume of some kind. Then I would have a pissed off Dick Grayson blow Batman's brains off for having the cojones to use his identity, his costume and his name without permission. Then I would have Terry McGiness, the son of some government scientist, adapt the Omac Technonology so that he can have his own Batman Beyond Space Suit.

7-Max wouldn't have killed Blue Beetle. Wonder Woman wouldn't have killed Max, etc.

8-I would ask Grant Morrison to write Green Lantern. Here's a character who can go anywhere, do anything and nobody knows what to do with him? Come on!

9-I would not have destroyed the Multiverse! DC wanted to start over with new Supermans, Wonder Womans, Batmans, Green Lanters and Flashes? Fine. Leave everybody behind on Earth 1 and 2. Start a fresh with Earth Zero.

10-I would not have allowed the Titans property to be run into the ground.

11-I wouldn't have allowed Marvel to screw Morrison's sequel to Marvel-Boy.

12- Or DC to screw the Justice League twice (first with the Detroit League, and then by doing away with the Giffen League.)

13- And for the life of me, how could someone think that all those Spidey Clones and Retcons were a good idea?

14- Doomsday, Bane, AzBats, Venom, Carnage, Gambit and...

15- Gog (must go!)

3/16/2006 05:32:00 PM  
Anonymous JR said...

This hatred of the stylin' seventies swashbuckler awesomeness of Firestorm's puffy sleeves makes Space Jesus cry.

If Firestorm lost the puffy sleeves then the next thing you know Blue Beetle's brains are on the floor and Superboy Prime is bowling with whichever superheroine's head he can punch off.

3/16/2006 06:24:00 PM  
Anonymous JR said...

Oh and I would've had Hal become part of the "Lantern force" in the same way Barry became part of the "speed force" rather than become Paralax. I also would've made Alex the new Green Lantern and have Kyle say hello to the interior of his Kenmore. She'd have the Corp rebuilt by her 2nd year and a better cast of villians.

3/16/2006 06:27:00 PM  
Blogger Brad Curran said...

"You can tell you're not serious by the fact that you've actually read Chirs Ware's Jimmy Corrigan. It's amazing, yet not a perfect book, but still... I mean, c'mon! if it wasn't by him, it wouldn't be the same book..."

That was the joke. Thank you for noticing. I'm still disappointed that Kim Thompson didn't take me seriously and come by to chew me out/offer me a contract. I guess he doesn't read us. Unless he's really Iron Lungfish or something.

"Jimmy Corrigan would be a lot better with a whacky sidekick, too.

In case Fantagraphics doesn't go for your first idea."

If that sidekick is Wendigo, then we're in business. There's always the sequel, too, Infinite Crisis of Miserable Sods, guest starring Joe Matt. As a killer cyborg with a Green Lantern ring. He still masturbates a lot.

3/17/2006 09:13:00 PM  
Blogger bostonpenguincat said...

I'd have Chris Ware's Jimmy Corrigan become the new Spectre...

(that joke has had to be used before....
my apologizes to all mankind)

3/18/2006 12:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I also would've made Alex the new Green Lantern and have Kyle say hello to the interior of his Kenmore. She'd have the Corp rebuilt by her 2nd year and a better cast of villians."

That's an idea I've been espousing for YEARS. I would pay big money to see that happen, whether it was as a "What If?/Elseworlds/Ultimate/All-Star/Whatever" because Alex was and is about fifty times more interesting than Kyle has ever been.

3/21/2006 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Angela Dixon said...

Nice post! Can’t wait for the next one. Keep stuff like this coming.

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