Sunday, March 26, 2006

How I Imagine Marvel Zombies was conceived

So, apparently Marvel Zombies is an absurdist masterpiece of post-modern ironic commentary that will sit at Nextwave's right hand in gloriously insane piss take Marvel Comic heaven. That's what I get out of reading about it. I'm totally on board for the trade.

But I still have to wonder how such a comic got published in the first place. Yeah, sure, Mark Millar did an Ultimate FF arc with the Marvel characters as zombies and Kirkman does the only zombie comic and does a lot of work for them and blah blah sense facts. That's too damn boring. I have my own theory. And I can only illustrate it one way; through really broad satire/parody (I don't know the difference).

Robert Kirkman is hanging around in some random Marvel editor's office, pitching ideas for comics.

Random Editor: So, Rob, how many ways can I tell you we don't want to publish your unused Youngblood scripts as an X-Force series before you go away?

Kirkman: Uh, I'm Robert Kirkman, not Rob Liefeld. I don't even go by Rob.

Editor: Aw, man, I was just fucking with you! I think. My memory's not so good. Listening to Bill Jemas talk literally rots your brain, and he was my boss for like three years. So, do you have anything besides old Youngblood, Liefeld, you hack?

Kirkman: Uh... Yeah... Since you apparently weren't listening to my pitch for a new Ms. Marvel comic...

Brian Reed, outside office: A Ms. Marvel comic? I'll steal that, pitch it to an editor without Jemas-induced brain damage, and get a gig! Reed, you magnificent bastard!

Kirkman: ... I heard that, Reed! Anyway, since you ignored all of my other ideas... shit, I just had a really funny idea... I mean, it's the dumbest thing ever, but... see, I write Walking Dead, right?

Editor: Walking Dead? Is that an X-Men spin-off? That one Joe wants to do about Thunderbird and Synch doing the Relay for Life?

Kirkman: Uh, no. It's a creator owned zombie comic.

Editor: Yeah, I have no idea what any of those words mean separately or together.

Kirkman: Bill really did a number on you, huh?

Editor: No. I'm just a functional illiterate. I have no idea how I got this job. But it explains how (insert weird/bad Marvel comic that you have no idea how it got published here. I'm not pissing any creators off intentionally, other than Kirkman and Warren Ellis later maybe, in case I ever want to sell out) got published.

Kirkman: I always wondered. So, anyway... heh heh... what if I did... Marvel Zombies! It's the Marvel characters, but they're zombies! Haha, wouldn't that be dumb?

Editor: I want the first draft on my desk by Monday.

Kirkman: Wha? (Imagine he's doing a spit take here if you want. I know I am.)

Editor: Yeah, Mark Millar's doing an Ultimate FF comic with Marvel zombies. And everything we publish now has to tie in to something he, Bendis, JMS, or Whedon does. It's a rule. It's attached to my forehead via a post it note.

Kirkman: I'll be damned. I wondered what that was. There's a grocery list on here, too...

Editor: What did I tell you about the memory? So, unless you want to fill in the blanks in the first New Avengers arc, write about a Spider-Totem, or copy Whedon copying Chris Claremont, you won't get paid by Marvel for anything you do.

Kirkman: But I write Marvel Team Up...

Editor: Dude, we have never paid anyone a red cent for writing Marvel Team Up! Do you even read your contract?

Kirkman reads work for hire contract he carries with him at all times but has never read: Shit! That's right!

Editor: So, what will it be, Rob? Will you sacrifice your intergrity and whatever goodwill you have built up in the comics community to do this shamelessly dumb story? Will you fully succumb to the sweet embrace of Dark Lord Marvel for a paycheck and destroy your admittedly miniscule indie cred and very soul?

Kirkman: Well, that doesn't sound good at all, but I do like money, so I'll do it!

Editor, rubbing hands together gleefully and whipping his snake tongue around, hissing like Cobra Commander in the GI Joe movie when he was a big snake: Good, good! Your soul is ours!

Kirkman: One thing, though. It will be gloriously insane. I will not take it seriously for a moment. I may, in fact, be so out of my mind on some substance or another that I will not remember writing it.

Editor: That's cool. Warren Ellis just pitched this comic called Nextwave to us, and I think he was huffing paint the whole time. Now get out of my office, Liefeld! We don't want to do Brokeback Mountain with Shatterstar and Rictor, god damn it!

Kirkman: Why didn't I just stick to writing Battle Pope?

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6 Comments:

Blogger Rob H said...

Comedy gold. Nice entry.

3/26/2006 06:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Ben Herman said...

Too damn funny!

3/27/2006 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger melvin p. mouse said...

best thing I've read since Gail Simone's YABS!

3/27/2006 01:36:00 PM  
Blogger gorjus said...

That's worth ten red scents!

I'm like you--waiting on the trade. I dig the Zombie FF, though, but I'm tired of them lurking mysteriously in the Baxter Building. Break out, already! Give me more concrete story arcs! How dare you how a dangling plotline??

3/27/2006 05:27:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Good news for gorjus: the Zombie FF menace the Ultimate Universe again in May.

3/27/2006 07:29:00 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

Editor: What did I tell you about the memory? So, unless you want to fill in the blanks in the first New Avengers arc, write about a Spider-Totem, or copy Whedon copying Chris Claremont, you won't get paid by Marvel for anything you do.
With the possible exception of the Whedon/Claremont melange (and comparing Ultimate to Allegedly Astonighing, I'm not so sure about that), those all would be better stories under Kirkman.

Editor, rubbing hands together gleefully and whipping his snake tongue around, hissing like Cobra Commander in the GI Joe movie when he was a big snake: Good, good! Your soul is ours!
I think the soul-taking is more DC's bag, but the degenerating-into-a-reptile is pure Marvel editorial. Did you take their office tour?

3/28/2006 09:07:00 PM  

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