Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Dear Blog-sphere-o-verse-of the internerdyweb, or bloggers assembled, yeah, that sounds better,

I fucking hate you all. Evem myself. But mostly the rest of you motherfuckers. For various, completely valid reasons. But mainly because not a single one of you did anything to let me know that All Star Superman #3 was coming out. Sure, I only read five blogs, but surely one of that quintet could have said something about it. You'd think the quivers of oncoming nerdgasm that this issue's momentous impending arrival would merit a mention from one of you worthless shits. Well, at least of the handful I read. But no! How do you sleep at night, you useless wastes of semen? That's right, I hate you so much I wish you'd never been born!

Okay, Brian Hibbs had it listed in his shipping lists for this week. But is it my fault that I didn't see it until today? Is it my fault that I didn't check the list this week? Or last week? I submit that it is not. You let me down, bloggers assembled. I will not forget this! There will be a reckoning! You can anticipate its coming! Much like I imagine Paul Teel anticipates his own when he sees an issue of All Star Superman.

Speeking of which! I am so angry I am not only writing sentence fragments but ending them with exclamation points! Where are that pack off assholes and degenerates at Listen To Us, We're Assholes and Degenerates! (or Right; I often find those words interchangable, though) when we really need them? Running an excellent comic book store, teaching children, and still nursing a All Star Superman caused violent erection, you say?

Well, fuck them and fuck you too, to paraphrase Detroit's poet laurete himself, Marshall Mathers. If I can do one way over the top post about Nextwave, they can't do at least a week's worth of posts rejoicing at the impending release of their beloved ASS. I really want to believe the level of effort and hyperbole in my one posts and their... however many they'd choose to do would be equivalent, and I think I'll go with the truthiness on this one. Anyway, they are horrible people for not taking the time to properly notify me about the release of ASS. Which is what I bet they smell like. ASS! I can get a whiff of that from here. It could be from the adjacent stall (I write all my vitrolic screeds in public bathroom; helps work up that extra hate), but I am more inclined to believe it is them.

So, in closing, fuck off and die, bloggers. I knew it would always come to this, but I figured it would be something less heinous, like your poisoning my dog or devoting a post a day to insulting my mother. That, I maybe could have forgiven you for. But this? This... I just can't. I am declaring all bloggers, blog related paraphanelia, and the word blog itself dead to me! I'm not even sure what I'm writing this on. It can't be a blog, since it is a dead medium! I suppose it could be some sort of zombie blog. If there are those I'm fucked. But I think I've carried this too far. And I'm just talking to dead people anyway with this (since all of you commenting fuckers are bloggers).

Sincerely and not sarcastic or intended to be humorous at all, go fuck yourselves,

Brad Curran

P.S.- I just realized that I could have been to the comic shop and back in the time it took me to right the hate filled screed about your worthlessness. At least twice in fact. I apologize for... that. I think I'll go to the shop and get my slice of Morrison and Quitely goodness shortly. Really and truly I'm sorry to have lashed out at you, baby, but you know what happens when you make me angry. I promise not to hit/write vitrolic posts at you again. Except the Listen To Us... crew. Come on, they deserve it!

P.P.S- If the shop sold out of copies then you're all dead to me again, even though none of you should be held the slightest bit accountable for this at all even by my daring leaps of logic. I'll get back to you on that.

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Blogger Steven said...

Warren? is that you?

(jxerkyu: which is I believe a perfect description of this post)

3/29/2006 04:27:00 PM  
Blogger joncormier said...

I just don't tell you things because I think it's funny when you get all huffy. Kind of like a little yappy dog - but on the internet and typing instead of yipping or whatever it is a dog does when it fits in a handbag.

Best. Superman. Ever. By the way.

3/29/2006 04:35:00 PM  
Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

Can someone fire this guy already? Fuck..

3/29/2006 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger CalvinPitt said...

I'm sorry for not mentioning its release, but I was overcome with a wave of "I don't give a damn about this book".

3/29/2006 06:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IF you hadn't been watching Stephen Colbert (silent T) you would have had time to read more than 5 blogs and seens the ASS goodness just waiting to be grabbed.

3/29/2006 07:44:00 PM  
Blogger DCUBoy said...

"""I'm sorry for not mentioning its release, but I was overcome with a wave of "I don't give a damn about this book"."""

Couldnt have said it better myself. The silver age is over, why are people enjoying this?

3/29/2006 10:16:00 PM  
Anonymous sterg said...

I can't speak for everyone, but I like a comic that's a little smart, doesn't take itself too seriously, and has some imaginative concept to it.

Granted, I'd rather read real Silver Age stuff, but this book is enjoyable in a way most of the Infinite Crisis/One Year Later stuff hasn't been.

3/29/2006 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Apodaca said...

Because it's well-written, with gorgeous art.

Confirmation quote is "ohyod", which is the sound I make when I read All-Star Superman.

3/29/2006 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger MarkAndrew said...

I think BeacoupKevin told me. I'm pretty sure. you should read BeacoupKevin. He's funny.

I missed the comic shop this week, too, though I'll probably pick up this and Dead Girl next week.

Though I still spent like fifty bucks anyway, on "The One! Hundred! Demons!" softcover "Late Bloomer" and I order Brandon Hanvey's book that Cronin plugged.

3/29/2006 11:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Quaid said...

Wouldn't you have found out about it the way normal people do: by looking at this week's new releases in the comic shop?

3/31/2006 12:24:00 PM  

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